homework…

my assignment is late.

see, last week i was down…like really down and depressed. i was a wild mix of confused and sad. antsy and without any foresight of a good & positive change. i was losing a fight between myself & my other self…and letting a whole lot of negativity and doom cloud my vision. i call these moments, in hindsight, “putting God in a box.” i relate this sort of ‘i feel sooo sorry for myself’ to mapping out my whole life to what i can see. during these times, i fail to see that i’m limiting all my possibilities to my own very gloomy tunnel vision without acknowledging the fact that God moves us and can move us far beyond our own wildest dreams. and that all of the negativity only holds up His progress and questions His timing.

this was me last week.

during my new job searches i felt anxious and depressed. i felt like i was looking at and applying for the same jobs that were posted by the same companies two months ago. and maybe those were the same postings from two months ago. i felt that not only was i nagging and picking on myself but that other people were too…and i didn’t allow myself to see that they were doing it because they love me and know my potential…not because they wanted to get in on the pity party. everything i had structured for myself for the week was either way late or didn’t happen.

until…the person who issued this assignment spoke to me one afternoon. feeling uncomfortable a little because i didn’t want to sound like such an incessant ‘downer’ i told them how i felt. and in the instance of that conversation that one afternoon, i felt true relief. they reminded me of my talent and of my faith…and they allowed me to pull back from my current situation and consider a bigger picture…a bigger reality at play. and like, not only did the inner beauty of this person shine through as usual, it allowed me to feel more brave and more confident. and i began to quickly think of new approaches to try, not only to make myself happy but to make them proud as well. and it brought me two weekly assignments.

one of which is this, my homework assignment which is about 39 minutes late.

thanks
(u kno whatchu mean)

everything may be wrong

i had a revelation the other day…everything may be wrong with my job search. i am going to explain it like this…my current search has been primarily for hr positions in city x, y, and/or z. but why am i searching for an hr position while my passion is writing? why am i only focusing on hr when i complain…all the time about the confines of corporate america? why then am i settling for something that doesn’t captivate my joy? why am i settling for less than what i want? and why am i semi-searching for writing jobs, while i have many other passions?

sometimes we get tricked into thinking that our goal has one road…when in actually there are many routes to success. don’t forget this.

i was operating under the idea that my road for a job change and locale…had a lineal road. not true because there are many avenues we can take to get there. from reading various stories and articles about successful people, i’ve learned that goals, dreams, aspirations and answers…such as life…is way too wildly various. so why can’t our paths be wildly various as well?

i’ve newly learned what it means to never stop. to always be ready to change, ready for change and be willing to fix or alter the process. if you land at failure…keep going…don’t stop there because you’ll end up cheating yourself.

and if i may get spiritual for a minute…i was thinking…is God not allowing this for me because it just truly isn’t me? it won’t bring me the joy i want? it’s not where i need to be? He has something better? for i’ve tried and tried and tried…nothing’s working. maybe my focus is off.

if something isn’t working…immediately try something different…and maybe at some point keep trying that old thing…just in case.

with me, sure, i’ll stay on jobfox, monster and careerbuilder. i will continue to look at company profiles and make contacts. but i will also try many other industries that i am interested in. we are more faceted in more than we sometimes realize.

sometimes all appears to be lost…when winning is just around the corner.

if i like it, i do it

because i’m a writer (prolly more because i am human) i analyze…like a lot. and i’ve discovered it is really really excruciatingly hard for me to do something if my heart isn’t in it. enter: my job search. i always feel overwhelmed and desperate. and defeated. a talk with a beantown friend…she told me i looked defeated. i didn’t want to hear it but she was right. so, to help me…to help me succeed in doing something i’ve lost heart in…i’ve devised a plan. maybe it will work for you as well.

my title above is from a jamiroquai song…from the album ‘emergency on planet earth’ and it so suits my personality. i’m a pleasure addict…i could do what i love 24 hours a day. i love the idea of moving and getting new work and a new environment…this has to be achieved for the good of me. so my heart is there…it is lacking in the process.

here’s an antidote if you feel overwhelmed:

commit to a livable goal. this blog keeps me motivated. but i will try to commit to making one job inquiry or contact every day. 30 days breaks way to 30 new leads, 30 new possibilities a month. it is minimal, hopefully some days i will do even more…but the minimum could provide promising results. so just do one thing toward your goal…one day…one thing. be happy, go for your goals…and fight complacency and that feeling of being overwhelmed. if you wanna learn the guitar, japanese and juggling. commit to each just once…every day for a manageable non-demanding span of time. or take an hour and divide it for each desire. in two months you’ll be a heckuva lot further than working on the guitar for four hours on tuesday and never again for the rest of the month.

no excuses

i go to church. not every sunday but i do go. and i’m from the mind that the heart defines the man/woman…not blind practice. not willful, meaningful…nothing. not labels…but heart.

anyway.

last sunday i learned some morsels. my church is larger than i am used to. it’s even not what my denomination is…well, was. but i’m not into denomination, either. i even used to go to catholic mass while in grad school. there are about three thousand members collectively at my current church. there are two services. i usually attend the second. and there are about fifteen hundred or so people there. a few i know…many i do not. one of the pastors i sometimes see at work…he’s a great conversationalist and works on a different floor for an entirely different company. i’ve had the joys of engaging in banter with him about all kinds of stuff.

anyway.

when i glanced down at the sermon notes, i was taken aback. i don’t know how it is that the main pastor frequently seems to speak to the very thing i happen to be struggling with. it’s odd but it’s true.

anyway.

here’s what i learned.

the topic, “following your heart: shaped to make a difference”

we are essentially 5 things:
we have

spiritual gifts (what we are gifted with)
a heart (what we love to do)
abilities (our natural abilities)
personality
and
experiences (our unique experiences that no one else in the world has)

(and before i get caught for plagiarism, i’mma do my best and tell you the rest of what i learned from my perspective)

essentially our purpose is tied to the very thing that we are good at and that which we really enjoy doing

however the devices that keep us from doing what we love are:

disappointment-it causes us to no longer live but to merely exist. we fail to realize that if we don’t succeed the first time, it just means we are human

fear-causes us to bury our talents

guilt-we cannot be guilty and pursue our dreams at the same time

bitterness-our past is the past…let it go

rejection-being perfect won’t make people like us. it is their problem and we don’t need their approval

we need to stop doing things we don’t have the heart to do

living unfulfilled will affect us physically and mentally

passion is another word for heart, and only passionate people get things done

hope deferred makes the heart sick-proverbs 13:12

stop hiding your gifts to make other people comfortable

stop apologizing for being you

lastly:

God made you to be you.
“it’s God who produces in you the desires and actions that please Him” Philippians 2:13

there you go…have a fantastic week…and literally…you now have no excuse.

just be sure to share your success story.

i’m waiting.

what i want

one very loooooong dinner with shemar moore in a dimly lit restaurant at a rather small table with soft swooning music playing in the background

an unlimited shopping spree that begins at banana republic and ends at a warehouse somewhere in new york with clothes sooooo dope i’d faint

to meet angelina jolie, a celebrity i’ve had to defend more than any other celebrity ever. a close second is kanye west, i’ve had to defend him a lot too. i love angelina. she’s wickedly talented, gorgeous, exciting, mesmerizing, and compassionate. uneven and one of the rare actresses that can actually ‘go all the way’ when it comes to craft. and she actually dedicates time and money toward helping the impoverished

a house with a roller skating rink, a sauna and a movie theater

to write and direct a film

tour with a band or artist ‘cause i want to see all the world in one year

become a vegetarian

learn to speak another language fluently (i took a lot of spanish…but i really wanna know it…know it)

my motivators are city, sun and creative people…i want to be around all three for the rest of my life

a record player

want to be financially comfortable because it really does wonders for stress and opportunity

try stand-up comedy once. my favorites are chris rock, dave chappelle, aisha tyler and paul mooney. i’ve seen aisha and chris. seeing chris rock in columbus was different, i think the crowd was too conservative for him

a world that smelled of fabric softener, i looooooove fabric softener – tide with febreze (mmmmmmm!)

learn to play the piano

al gore to run for prez in ‘08

a late night free form radio show

lauryn hill to make another album

drive a car that costs over a hundred thousand dollars….what would that feel like? what does the difference feel like between twenty thousand and a hunid thou with regards to breaking and accelerating?

want dreads

say what i mean

make all those who ever dissed me 2 regret it…just a little bit

finally get to the end of ‘grand theft auto: san andreas’ on ps2 because it is the best video game ever and the soundtrack is sick. you roll thru the entire state of california with music blaring, pimping your ride, learning to swim, changing your clothes, getting tatts and funky hairstyles and ohhh, doing bad stuff…but it’s sooo fun

care about the right people and not the wrong ’cause it ends up being a lot of wasted energy

a really greasy hamburger with onions and garlic and equally greasy french fries with a tall icy cold lemonade…while still wanting to swear off red meat

my mate for life to be a helluva cook, cause i am not

learn learn learn from my mistakes (for crying out loud!)