you can be down but not…

i need to preface this by saying i’ve never had a hard life. i’ve never had to fight for my existence. i’ve never been homeless and i’ve never had to go hungry. i don’t know what it feels like to see impending death or utter poverty, face to face. and i’ve never had a major illness or a life-threatening struggle but i do know what it feels like to be alone and i’ve walked this life where hurt and isolation were my only wicked companions.

i am painfully aware of what being utterly alone feels like. i have stared at it and it has gazed upon me, and held me in its arms tightly, so tight i wasn’t able to breathe. a couple years ago my life was very different from what it is now. back then i lived an internal pain and fear and i was at an extremely low point, emotionally. i struggled to survive and paint the outward appearance that everything was fine. i’d be so distraught and so heavy some days, nights and mornings, i don’t know how i had made it to work. and sometimes the rawness of my situation made me feel like a ghost amongst people. like they were living in a separate universe than mine. their weekends were filled with shopping, movies while in envy; my existence was a furious rage and an unquenchable fear. people i had relied on in the past were gone. people around me were gone. the depth of my pain was so real i didn’t know if i was going to survive. i felt the limit of my strength with every inch of time. i felt an incessant need for change, a glimmer of hope and waited days for it to come. and often it was as elusive as the people i felt i needed. i was pushed and bruised. scared and alone, even around people, even around family. i was distressed beyond the ability to even see clearly. there’d be days when i would get up from my desk at work and go to the highest floor in my building, and i’d just look upon the moving traffic below. at times, my smile came at the passing of a bright and beautiful fluffy cloud. there’d be days when i would withdraw in a bathroom stall and pray. snapping out of my despair if i heard someone at the door. even at home, i would retreat outside and long to just lie, stretched out and dormant on a bed of chilly green grass, i daydreamed that if i’d lay there long enough, change would come…i just almost could barely take the realness and the steadiness of my hurt.

i’d look to the things that would inspire me or make me joyous but even their pleasure would easily fade. my distraught, my pain, my fear, my agony, my anxiety, my loss, my limitations, and my hurt…those were my constants.

the only thing i could do was pray. sometimes i would just say something short. maybe a sentence or two and at those times when i felt an inch away from sheer nothingness, God would provide just enough of a glimmer of light that gave me hope to continue…

my life is much different than it was. i’ve been awed at seeing some things this year that were mere dreams. i’ve traveled more than i ever thought. i’ve been to states and cities i never thought i’d see. i used to daydream of the beach and i’ve played in the atlantic twice this year. yes, i lost my job to outsourcing but i have joy. the warmth that i sought in people…is a new reality and a stronger intensity for me these days…even in my travels. even with people who should regard me as a stranger. i do not believe in putting all of my hope, faith or trust in people…i, for one, saw the downside of that and i blame no one but me…but even i have been fortunate enough to find the beauty in a close bond with someone who continues to provide unshakeable support.

so, i want you to know, it’s okay to be down and out. i’m grateful for the circumstances that brought my pain…i’d rather have experienced the emotional depth in order to write this and share with you. and i’m reminded that everybody who has ever been influential in our world was dynamic in their struggle and more importantly in their sharing because it helped move someone else along. And no matter what you may feel, you are never alone.

as to what caused my pain and turmoil, i’ll just say it was a collection of many things, many circumstances, many people all at once. it was a loved one going through an illness, it was a lot of different things. it all came crashing down around me, left me alone, cold, empty and without shelter. but after having dried off from the drenching, i can give you this part of me enough to say, keep moving.

here’s a vid pick…my friend dan s. made me the best living colour mix. since, i’ve always been in love with this song…nothingness by living colour.

homework…

my assignment is late.

see, last week i was down…like really down and depressed. i was a wild mix of confused and sad. antsy and without any foresight of a good & positive change. i was losing a fight between myself & my other self…and letting a whole lot of negativity and doom cloud my vision. i call these moments, in hindsight, “putting God in a box.” i relate this sort of ‘i feel sooo sorry for myself’ to mapping out my whole life to what i can see. during these times, i fail to see that i’m limiting all my possibilities to my own very gloomy tunnel vision without acknowledging the fact that God moves us and can move us far beyond our own wildest dreams. and that all of the negativity only holds up His progress and questions His timing.

this was me last week.

during my new job searches i felt anxious and depressed. i felt like i was looking at and applying for the same jobs that were posted by the same companies two months ago. and maybe those were the same postings from two months ago. i felt that not only was i nagging and picking on myself but that other people were too…and i didn’t allow myself to see that they were doing it because they love me and know my potential…not because they wanted to get in on the pity party. everything i had structured for myself for the week was either way late or didn’t happen.

until…the person who issued this assignment spoke to me one afternoon. feeling uncomfortable a little because i didn’t want to sound like such an incessant ‘downer’ i told them how i felt. and in the instance of that conversation that one afternoon, i felt true relief. they reminded me of my talent and of my faith…and they allowed me to pull back from my current situation and consider a bigger picture…a bigger reality at play. and like, not only did the inner beauty of this person shine through as usual, it allowed me to feel more brave and more confident. and i began to quickly think of new approaches to try, not only to make myself happy but to make them proud as well. and it brought me two weekly assignments.

one of which is this, my homework assignment which is about 39 minutes late.

thanks
(u kno whatchu mean)

what is God trying to tell me…

so…we are being released in groups from work. our HR positions have been splintered and shipped to india. the majority of my department left, only to leave a group of us to do menial tasks, at best.

my bestest bestest work bud/friend was apart of the first group. we had worked together for three years…i even trained him on his function and can remember the very first day we met and that he wore a suit and tie. we laughed about that much much later, having watched our semi-stuffy typically corporate department fall apart.

i heard from him recently. prior to his exit, i had discussed with him that i’d have my resume re-structured and after the finished product i let him see it. he wanted to copy the format to see if it would garner attention. which was fine. we had spent many many many days discussing dreams, academics, disappointments, anxiety, disdain with our environment…countless days sharing the success stories of other people who seemingly get awesome jobs and/or strokes of luck while we had felt so left behind in the process. sometimes our conversations would literally turn my stressful days into good ones. we are both guitar players and video game addicts, imeem fiends and so on…

well, as fate would have it he landed a dynamic job, for a cool company, making almost twenty thousand dollars more. the opportunities for stuff he never should have been denied were even offered in this new role. possibly contributing to the success other than copying the resume format was getting an MBA, as well after busting his arse working and going to school for years.

i say this…to say this. if that resume’s worth was to get him a job and never have any pay off value for me…the money is by far not wasted…even if it never works for me. he’s a dynamic guy who will go far and in whom i believe in…to the very core of me.

and i say this…also to say this. if my resume’s format isn’t working for me…and i have a master’s…of all the places i’ve been applying to for months on end without any gain…what is God trying to tell me?

everything may be wrong

i had a revelation the other day…everything may be wrong with my job search. i am going to explain it like this…my current search has been primarily for hr positions in city x, y, and/or z. but why am i searching for an hr position while my passion is writing? why am i only focusing on hr when i complain…all the time about the confines of corporate america? why then am i settling for something that doesn’t captivate my joy? why am i settling for less than what i want? and why am i semi-searching for writing jobs, while i have many other passions?

sometimes we get tricked into thinking that our goal has one road…when in actually there are many routes to success. don’t forget this.

i was operating under the idea that my road for a job change and locale…had a lineal road. not true because there are many avenues we can take to get there. from reading various stories and articles about successful people, i’ve learned that goals, dreams, aspirations and answers…such as life…is way too wildly various. so why can’t our paths be wildly various as well?

i’ve newly learned what it means to never stop. to always be ready to change, ready for change and be willing to fix or alter the process. if you land at failure…keep going…don’t stop there because you’ll end up cheating yourself.

and if i may get spiritual for a minute…i was thinking…is God not allowing this for me because it just truly isn’t me? it won’t bring me the joy i want? it’s not where i need to be? He has something better? for i’ve tried and tried and tried…nothing’s working. maybe my focus is off.

if something isn’t working…immediately try something different…and maybe at some point keep trying that old thing…just in case.

with me, sure, i’ll stay on jobfox, monster and careerbuilder. i will continue to look at company profiles and make contacts. but i will also try many other industries that i am interested in. we are more faceted in more than we sometimes realize.

sometimes all appears to be lost…when winning is just around the corner.

no excuses

i go to church. not every sunday but i do go. and i’m from the mind that the heart defines the man/woman…not blind practice. not willful, meaningful…nothing. not labels…but heart.

anyway.

last sunday i learned some morsels. my church is larger than i am used to. it’s even not what my denomination is…well, was. but i’m not into denomination, either. i even used to go to catholic mass while in grad school. there are about three thousand members collectively at my current church. there are two services. i usually attend the second. and there are about fifteen hundred or so people there. a few i know…many i do not. one of the pastors i sometimes see at work…he’s a great conversationalist and works on a different floor for an entirely different company. i’ve had the joys of engaging in banter with him about all kinds of stuff.

anyway.

when i glanced down at the sermon notes, i was taken aback. i don’t know how it is that the main pastor frequently seems to speak to the very thing i happen to be struggling with. it’s odd but it’s true.

anyway.

here’s what i learned.

the topic, “following your heart: shaped to make a difference”

we are essentially 5 things:
we have

spiritual gifts (what we are gifted with)
a heart (what we love to do)
abilities (our natural abilities)
personality
and
experiences (our unique experiences that no one else in the world has)

(and before i get caught for plagiarism, i’mma do my best and tell you the rest of what i learned from my perspective)

essentially our purpose is tied to the very thing that we are good at and that which we really enjoy doing

however the devices that keep us from doing what we love are:

disappointment-it causes us to no longer live but to merely exist. we fail to realize that if we don’t succeed the first time, it just means we are human

fear-causes us to bury our talents

guilt-we cannot be guilty and pursue our dreams at the same time

bitterness-our past is the past…let it go

rejection-being perfect won’t make people like us. it is their problem and we don’t need their approval

we need to stop doing things we don’t have the heart to do

living unfulfilled will affect us physically and mentally

passion is another word for heart, and only passionate people get things done

hope deferred makes the heart sick-proverbs 13:12

stop hiding your gifts to make other people comfortable

stop apologizing for being you

lastly:

God made you to be you.
“it’s God who produces in you the desires and actions that please Him” Philippians 2:13

there you go…have a fantastic week…and literally…you now have no excuse.

just be sure to share your success story.

i’m waiting.

trabajar

there’s a seedy phenomena going on. wherever i’ve worked, i’ve noticed that the people who get up and out and move on to bigger and better things are the people that just don’t do right. and the people that stay and complain and try to leave are the ones who always try to do right. i’ve worked with people who sit at their desks and in front of their computers and have their college books on their laps beneath to study. i’ve had people ask me to proofread ions of pages for assignments on their work desktop computers. i’ve seen people map out vacations. i’ve seen plane tickets. i see people searching for jobs, reading massive articles, watching movies. some are studying for their next big move…others openly search for other employment. and you know what? they move on. a few weeks down the line we’ll get an email that says crap like, “it is with extreme sadness that ( name ) will be leaving the company to pursue another opportunity.”ain’t that a b*tch? nope. it really isn’t…their grind works. whatever that bad stuff is they are doing…works.

they are my heroes.

the nerd folk bust arse to act ‘right’ or ‘ak’ right…as i like to say, and they send out a trillion resumes and never hear as little as a peep from a prospective employer. they wear about fifty phones around their belt (not a one rings…ever) and show up on time…and nothing. the same miserable soul you see december 2007 saying things’ll be different in july 2008. nope. they’ll be there in august.

but i bet the next time i as much type out careerbuil…in my company’s browser, i’m out like as if i were in the ring with tyson.

but i also bet whatever shoes you’re wearin…i’m gonna try.

this will be my experiment.

i’ll letcha know how it goes.
(i am so in a mischevious mood right now…i’ll go to bed…wake up…and forget all about this. i will be on time and do my work…you know…the good always wins in the end. furreal ya’ll)

(i know i’m crazy, just don’t tell me to my face)