and then again…

much too long since i’ve been here…and now off the birded wings of thanksgiving eve…i bring you. me.

this whole adam lambert thing. hm. i was watching the american music awards and thought they were alright. really enjoyed a lot of the performances…i grew up on tori amos, pj harvey and bjork, so honestly lady gaga sparks no interest in me whatsoever…the overly dramatic live shows (of which i’ve seen on awards shows) leaves just a whole host of dramatics and not enough sound pleasure for me. i liked jay z and alicia keys, whitney houston’s slow comeback…not feeling green day and wish they could go back to the rare beauty of their earlier punk…the album ‘dookie.’ i wish kings of leon would have performed. liked the eminem performance and i think that carrie underwood is a very talented artist…odd that taylor swift won so many and didn’t show up because of rehearsal in london but who am i? the thing that gets me the most and is getting the most publicity is american idol, adam lambert’s (a very gorgeous young man…btw) performance. i consider myself open minded however for me it was entirely out of place, way too over the top and repulsive. i really don’t wanna see oral sex simulation during a dick clark american music awards broadcast. silly me? he’s apparently unapologetic about it…and wants to equate it to janet jackson’s (who was incredibly awesome) crotch grab on a male dancer. or wants to equate it the mads and britney kiss…well, adam the networks didn’t air your kiss. and ok, janet did like six songs in a row…it was quick and she wasn’t really like…sexualizing her 1 second much as 3 minutes of his performance. lambert held a dude’s head to his crotch and continued to move his pelvis with the dude’s head. not only that he tugged between the legs of a female dancer, repeatedly…i wasn’t sure if something was supposed to pop out or what. it was too much. even for me…it was way too much. the saddest thing however is that if lambert had been akon or 50 cent or lil wayne or little richard. we have insane double standards in this country. take the janet and justin superbowl show…the media and we (not i) went crazy. you would have thought janet jackson murdered someone or had sex on air…her nip popped out. we see the nip as infants. big freakin deal. he nor she ever licked or fondled the nip…it just showed up for like a half second. you also would have thought justin timberlake was on mars during the performance, he was the garment revealer or ripper…the press hate fest focused on jackson…but justin…he was right there. insert any ethnic entertainer gay or straight…fines and talking heads would be going crazier than the electronics line will be at wal-mart tomorrow morning. we have such a bias way of thinking in this country and it’s quite sad…but true as metallica would say.

and as much as i promise i won’t watch ‘dancing with the stars’ ever again…i watch only to see it repeat a catastrophe. there’s no way that donny osmond was a better dancer than mya or kelly osborne…so i wish they’d stop letting the producers dictate the results. also, lil kim was absolutely robbed last year…mya and her top performing all season self was robbed as well. i’d feel much better if kelly osborne would have won…oh well.

on that somber note…happy thanksgiving.

here’s a new favorite video and song by p. diddy.

peace&eat!!

ways to stay sane while searching for a job

my insanity should be checked, job or no job, on a regular basis. but if that means it would stop the smiles that i get, maybe i shouldn’t ask for an examination after all.

the latest list of companies downsizing is ugly. it literally makes me sick…it makes my heart hurt and when i think of those numbers i think of families, more so people losing their much needed salaries. i rejoice at the prospects of president barack obama leading this country with an eager and resounding gasp of relief but i know that even he with all of his exuberant productivity so far, visions and dreams has said that it will take time. and that’s why i’m here…listening to a watering effect of techno music to later formulate an article for…but mostly to help keep you sane.

if you are currently unemployed what i am about to say will not help you but you should know that

“More than 2 million Americans requested benefits under the extended program in the week ending Jan. 3, the most recent data available. That’s in addition to the 4.6 million people covered under the regular unemployment insurance system, though the 2 million figure is not seasonally adjusted and is volatile.”

the end of january 2009 saw a 71,400 jobs lost. 2008 saw a loss of 2.6 million jobs. in december of 2007, the number of the unemployed was 11.1 million.

feel better? you shouldn’t. it doesn’t make me feel any better, i’m just giving you the facts.

so here’s a few of my suggestions

1. everyone stresses networking. but who are you gonna network with if no one is working? i say still network. tell everyone you know you never know what sympathetic ear might become a helping hand. try the school you graduated from. try even your church. try contacting colleges or their websites for career help and information. don’t discount the power of communicating out who you are and what you want. to be honest, it’s never worked for me but i hold out the hope that it could and frankly i haven’t tried it so much recently.

2. don’t despair. if you find that you are depressed about not finding an opportunity, if everywhere you go, you suffer a “no.” if you can’t pay your bills, travel to relocate, if you can’t find a win. DO NOT GIVE UP. DO NOT STOP LOOKING. NEVER. you can take a break from the stresses of looking and applying. you can whine and cry for hours about there being nothing out there. BUT NEVER STOP SEARCHING. if you find that you can’t take the strain, talk to someone. get help. i find that if i feel like i’m losing HARD, if I’m having an usually tough day i try to find something i can win at, a video game, a quiz show (for me specifically it’s jeopardy, the 12 year old school kids edition), or it’s finding a new hobby, but lately for me it’s running 5 miles with crazy music rattling the insides of my brain. i somehow revel in the achy legs, blurry vision and muscle strain only because it’s a goal and i win every time. it helps my bravado. possibly do self-satisfying volunteer work. try volunteermatch.com. or try your hand at something…a hobby, a freelance opportunity, creating a blog…writing. picking up an instrument you’ve always wanted to play. read novels. just get that satisfaction back of winning at something.

3. if you haven’t made that jump to getting on a social networking site like myspace or facebook…try it. you may connect with old friends who can possibly help or at least all those hours you spend finding the right music and layout for your page will at least take your mind off of things for a bit. (ok, i can’t believe i just suggested that)

4. be patient with people. i can’t believe that i actually get mad when people try and cheer me up. they say, “it will get better,” “a lot of people are not working right now,” or “have you tried (fill in the blank…)?” and they study me with their eyes like what they’ve suggested is the answer. and bless their hearts, mostly, it will be something so basic and remedial that i’ve tried it a thousand times over. they are just trying to be sweet, so be patient and tell them what you’ve tried…and be patient. and listen. and be patient and tell them.

5. GO OUT. i’ve been blessed with kooky friends who like wine and i like wine, i even like getting into discussions about wine. GO OUT and laugh and make fun of people’s weird black and white ‘where’s waldo’ sweaters. or go to a club and practice ne-yo’s “closer” dance moves or even soulja boi. just be sure to not waste away in gloom…life is still all about living.

6. explore your passions.

7. try learning a new language. take a class.

8. strategically try and analyze what makes you happy and try to get there as if it would cost you your life. out of crazy circumstances some of the best most ingenious things happen.

9. look up travel ideas at travelchannel.com and dream up a vacation in the greek isles of mykonos.

10. if you’ve applied to a certain “genre” of jobs and nothing’s worked, try something else.

11. most importantly, find a good friend, someone who is that perfect mix of a realist and a dreamer that you can discuss your lowest moods and your successes. i am blessed, i talk to God and my special…both always seem to put a smile on my face at the end of my “sessions” and there have been many sessions.

12. worse comes to worse and you are still hurting…post it here. i can try to help.

warm milk…

one of the best things i can do for myself right now…in this frozen moment of my life is saturate myself into something new. i am currently working on several different things at once…hoping one will stick to me, work for me and propel me to a new level, amongst all my other fascinations like hgtv’s house hunters, hgtv’s myles of styles (that chick is dope!!!), criminal minds, the tv prog and a longing to go back to miami or to see new orleans for the first time, i keep finding myself so engaged and intrigued by just one small morsel of something. i’ve given so much time to it already and i’ve just started. i feel like i’m in some underground market, bartering for information, writing nothing down, speaking in secret codes…and it is about all i can think of…wanting to know more…everything…the right things…the many ways in which i am sure i’ll succeed. i have such a hunger for it, i tried to sleep one night…but my eyes were as wide open as the universe itself and i had to get up…get up and write. if i’d put it all to song…i’d definitely go to steve lawler’s house compilation called ‘viva toronto.’ i hated it when i first heard it…rolling my eyes up to the heavens because on the surface it operates out of a sheer minimalistic beat redundancy…now it works like sips of warm milk…

social networking…

ok, so i was really way skeptical of like myspace, friendster…waaay long ago…like when all you heard was that creepy guys were lurking for baby girls and stuff. it took one musician that had inspired me while in college and that i was in awe of to get me on…and i’ve been hooked since. altho…i’d surmise that one network is far better than the rest. my friends would argue that i am wrong about my pref…i didn’t intend on writing today but sitting here previewing/reviewing for my freelance opp…i’m just really in awe of what social networking has brought me (i’d hope to say “responsible” social networking)…and then some.

a few weeks back i had lunch with a college friend i hadn’t seen in like eleven years. sorta like how it is with really good friends, we kinda hadn’t skipped a beat in us…our conversation and it was a truly enriching experience. and i’m really editing out A LOT about what i’ve been able to do…and who i’ve met and their influence on my life…

and even just today i got a message from another college mate i haven’t seen and/or heard from in about eleven years…emailing me from his blackberry. social effin-networking is kinda cool in regards to that…i’m sure if without it…someone would have been more inclined to write pen and paper style…but it’s cool when technology can reconnect us. this guy i’d be hard pressed to forget…one night he sung/yelled stone temple pilots lyrics across the way. crazy guy!!

this being said…be careful, stalkers, weirdos, creepos abound…but that’s everywhere, right?

right now i’m listening to some hip hop outta rio de janeiro…life is way too short to NOT travel and step outside our comfort zone more often than we do. i wish riches and wealth wouldn’t be allowed to limit us so much in this. life is waaay rich, i don’t want to miss a thing, you know? and would love to say i’m preparing to travel to some country i’ve daydreamed of floating about in…

i’ve also watched my share of tv programming aimed at charity work…the cnn heroes special and oprah’s program last week…i’m reminded of how loserish i am…with the ability to give…but just needing to make time/effort to lend a hand to someone…anybody.

maybe over the next couple weeks i’ll list some charity/non profit sites so we can…out of our smallness give together and make a difference in someone’s life.

nelson mandela’s 46664…site is currently being updated for donations but read more about it….

tide’s loads of hope…is really cool. u get a vintage tee for fifteen bucks…

kanye west’s dr. donda west foundation…is geared at keeping kids in school

of course, with anything always check the legitimacy and…give.

the prop 8 blame game

marriage makes me nervous. relationships make me more nervous. the whole “i do” forever, baby becoming a lifetime of fluttery moments but then real work when love’s supposed to be buttery and sugary and warm and effortless like movies and disney magic. and schtuff gets hard when you love your mate more than yourself but they are especially flirty with others and leave you wondering or when all they listen to is like celtic rock and you much rather listen to coltrane or they snore through lightening storms and over the decibels of ambulances outside or they fall asleep during movies or hate your incense or your hair. marriage…makes me nervous. two people deliriously in love with each other enough to make the jump despite occasional schtuff…are we really sane if we really wanna do this thing…forever (gulp)? shouldn’t that be the question? shouldn’t it? which leads me to this year’s election and the promise of better government and proposition 8 and the new blame game.

prop 8 makes same-sex marriage illegal in california. personally, who gives a flying f*ck about who wants to marry? do they love each other? let people marry and be happy. i mean, what harm does it me that anybody wants to marry? i speak this as a christian, also. but what also angers me is that although they comprise only about 6% of california’s population, black people are being blamed for the majority ‘yes’ vote making same-sex marriage illegal in cali. this sort of blame game takes away the real issue at hand and our maturity as a nation. why are ethnic groups being called out? is this valid? i immediately became suspicious and wanted to do some investigating myself.

here’s a good article by teresa morrison published by advocate.com…debunking black blame.

“the air i breathe”

“you are arty. you’ll like it,” i was told about the film, “the air i breathe.” a non-stop story churner that grabs you the instant it starts. sort of a mixture of a quentin tarentino, robert altman, richard linklater film called, “slacker,” an indie film i fell in love with years ago. “the air i breathe” definitely appealed to my inner dark chick, the arty part i’m still evolving towards. the story has this residual anecdote where you meet characters who are connected to others, and for the relationships to make sense you have to watch the whole film, which isn’t a task. it is easy, so easy to get caught up in this post-modern underground crime world where andy garcia is a cruel arse, sorta mob guy and brendan fraser does the dirty, yet hauntingly cerebral work. this movie reminds me of “slacker” not to be confused with “slackers,” “slacker” is a richard linklater film where you meet a host of about 20 or 30 characters, you become privy to them, their conversations their quirks, like you’ve been invited to meet a bunch of your weird cousin’s weirder yet crazy interesting crazy weird friends. sound weird? i love linklater’s, “slacker” all the way up until the end of the credits that begin when a character takes the super 8 camera that brought you the film and tosses it over a hill. the shot, the last shot is a spiraling tapestry of trees and sky until the camera crashes to the ground. beautiful yet symbolic art, right?

“the air i breathe” begins with happiness, played by forest whitaker who is a regular corporate robot thriving for change in chance (horse racing). and later with a scene memorable to those who would only chuckle if familiar with playstation 2’s video game ‘grand theft auto: vice city’ and the pizza boy scooter, and trying to drive up steps with those things, video game speakingly, of course. whitaker’s storyline later ties in with other characters played by garcia, fraser, sarah michelle geller, kevin bacon, emile hirsch and julie delpy.

so for the arty, or the curious, “the air i breathe” is oddly both conventional and unconventional and somewhere in between, it’s hard to be disinterested.

oh my…

well, the election is just … tomorrow. tomorrow!!!

i remember being a slow supporter of obama, way back when. out of fear, i was scared and i doubted my country’s ability to embrace his message. now, he’s my only hope to change the failed policies of the last 8 years. he’s my only hope to get working families what more they should have…he’s my only hope that the troops come home from a war we can never win with guns and bombs, he’s my only hope for young people everywhere to see that whoever you are and where ever you come from, hard work will get you your highest dreams. he’s my only hope that more jobs come back home. he’s my hope that people get healthcare…i could go on…barack obama is my only hope.

i was fortunate enough to see him and wife, michelle speak at a rally yesterday in columbus, ohio. the weather was sheer perfection and the crowd was so incredibly diverse. i’m not meaning so much, racially but just that there were so many different kinds of people. it was refreshing. i know it’s superficial but when i see mccain/palin rallies they look like a sea of all the very same kind. i know some cities and communities hold their own similarities but the mccain/palin rallies also lack a new freshness. a new direction for the world at large, for our country. we all have to be together to work…to make it. to survive. outside of our religious beliefs or lack thereof…we are all we got. it’s together or not at all. and divided is how we’ve operated under bush for 8 years. we’ve been told what not to say, our privacy has been violated. it’s time…today and tomorrow to wipe that curse away…to scrub at it as much we can.

later on today, jay z, mary j blige and p. diddy will speak on behalf of obama at the king’s art complex. this election is for our youth. i feel deep within me that we are at a major crossroads…the choice is between choosing a new direction or operating under what feels like a lack of direction these last 8 years…and look at where the past has brought us. over the weekend i saw oliver stone’s ‘w’…wow…it put in perspective the visual demise, alone.

last week, i was enjoying the warm lusciousness of both atlanta, georgia and miami, florida. i had a blast and am still dealing with the heartbreak of coming back to the ultra-conservatism/boredom and cold that is columbus, ohio. i loved miami…and decided to go on a fluke. but it was the most exhilarating fluke i’ve ever had. just a travel/tourism note…boat tours rock.

oh well and oh my…go vote. vote your conscience. enjoy your right. and hope/pray for the best for us…for you…for our country and the world.

thank you…and good nite.

(even though it’s only like 2.25pm…)

you can be down but not…

i need to preface this by saying i’ve never had a hard life. i’ve never had to fight for my existence. i’ve never been homeless and i’ve never had to go hungry. i don’t know what it feels like to see impending death or utter poverty, face to face. and i’ve never had a major illness or a life-threatening struggle but i do know what it feels like to be alone and i’ve walked this life where hurt and isolation were my only wicked companions.

i am painfully aware of what being utterly alone feels like. i have stared at it and it has gazed upon me, and held me in its arms tightly, so tight i wasn’t able to breathe. a couple years ago my life was very different from what it is now. back then i lived an internal pain and fear and i was at an extremely low point, emotionally. i struggled to survive and paint the outward appearance that everything was fine. i’d be so distraught and so heavy some days, nights and mornings, i don’t know how i had made it to work. and sometimes the rawness of my situation made me feel like a ghost amongst people. like they were living in a separate universe than mine. their weekends were filled with shopping, movies while in envy; my existence was a furious rage and an unquenchable fear. people i had relied on in the past were gone. people around me were gone. the depth of my pain was so real i didn’t know if i was going to survive. i felt the limit of my strength with every inch of time. i felt an incessant need for change, a glimmer of hope and waited days for it to come. and often it was as elusive as the people i felt i needed. i was pushed and bruised. scared and alone, even around people, even around family. i was distressed beyond the ability to even see clearly. there’d be days when i would get up from my desk at work and go to the highest floor in my building, and i’d just look upon the moving traffic below. at times, my smile came at the passing of a bright and beautiful fluffy cloud. there’d be days when i would withdraw in a bathroom stall and pray. snapping out of my despair if i heard someone at the door. even at home, i would retreat outside and long to just lie, stretched out and dormant on a bed of chilly green grass, i daydreamed that if i’d lay there long enough, change would come…i just almost could barely take the realness and the steadiness of my hurt.

i’d look to the things that would inspire me or make me joyous but even their pleasure would easily fade. my distraught, my pain, my fear, my agony, my anxiety, my loss, my limitations, and my hurt…those were my constants.

the only thing i could do was pray. sometimes i would just say something short. maybe a sentence or two and at those times when i felt an inch away from sheer nothingness, God would provide just enough of a glimmer of light that gave me hope to continue…

my life is much different than it was. i’ve been awed at seeing some things this year that were mere dreams. i’ve traveled more than i ever thought. i’ve been to states and cities i never thought i’d see. i used to daydream of the beach and i’ve played in the atlantic twice this year. yes, i lost my job to outsourcing but i have joy. the warmth that i sought in people…is a new reality and a stronger intensity for me these days…even in my travels. even with people who should regard me as a stranger. i do not believe in putting all of my hope, faith or trust in people…i, for one, saw the downside of that and i blame no one but me…but even i have been fortunate enough to find the beauty in a close bond with someone who continues to provide unshakeable support.

so, i want you to know, it’s okay to be down and out. i’m grateful for the circumstances that brought my pain…i’d rather have experienced the emotional depth in order to write this and share with you. and i’m reminded that everybody who has ever been influential in our world was dynamic in their struggle and more importantly in their sharing because it helped move someone else along. And no matter what you may feel, you are never alone.

as to what caused my pain and turmoil, i’ll just say it was a collection of many things, many circumstances, many people all at once. it was a loved one going through an illness, it was a lot of different things. it all came crashing down around me, left me alone, cold, empty and without shelter. but after having dried off from the drenching, i can give you this part of me enough to say, keep moving.

here’s a vid pick…my friend dan s. made me the best living colour mix. since, i’ve always been in love with this song…nothingness by living colour.

homework…

my assignment is late.

see, last week i was down…like really down and depressed. i was a wild mix of confused and sad. antsy and without any foresight of a good & positive change. i was losing a fight between myself & my other self…and letting a whole lot of negativity and doom cloud my vision. i call these moments, in hindsight, “putting God in a box.” i relate this sort of ‘i feel sooo sorry for myself’ to mapping out my whole life to what i can see. during these times, i fail to see that i’m limiting all my possibilities to my own very gloomy tunnel vision without acknowledging the fact that God moves us and can move us far beyond our own wildest dreams. and that all of the negativity only holds up His progress and questions His timing.

this was me last week.

during my new job searches i felt anxious and depressed. i felt like i was looking at and applying for the same jobs that were posted by the same companies two months ago. and maybe those were the same postings from two months ago. i felt that not only was i nagging and picking on myself but that other people were too…and i didn’t allow myself to see that they were doing it because they love me and know my potential…not because they wanted to get in on the pity party. everything i had structured for myself for the week was either way late or didn’t happen.

until…the person who issued this assignment spoke to me one afternoon. feeling uncomfortable a little because i didn’t want to sound like such an incessant ‘downer’ i told them how i felt. and in the instance of that conversation that one afternoon, i felt true relief. they reminded me of my talent and of my faith…and they allowed me to pull back from my current situation and consider a bigger picture…a bigger reality at play. and like, not only did the inner beauty of this person shine through as usual, it allowed me to feel more brave and more confident. and i began to quickly think of new approaches to try, not only to make myself happy but to make them proud as well. and it brought me two weekly assignments.

one of which is this, my homework assignment which is about 39 minutes late.

thanks
(u kno whatchu mean)

‘rent filmed on broadway’

i sadly admit i JUST saw for the first time ‘rent’ the movie this year. soooo, when i found out the play would have it’s final run on broadway this year i was bummed i wouldn’t be able to make it to new york to see it…the cool thing is for four days ‘rent filmed on broadway’ is playing at theatres.

i have NEVER gone to the movies alone…but HAD TO last evening because i just HAD to see this film. the movie is like nothing i’ve ever seen…it is (in my area) only playing at 7pm and the tickets were $20 but i really really really am still reeling from it. i have to admit that my main objective was to see and hear tracie thoms cause she’s freeeeakin awesome and is the only movie cast member in the actual production from the last broadway run…she also kicks arse in quentin tarantino’s ‘deathproof.’ but as for ‘rent’ the rest of the cast BLEW ME AWAY…it’s really something to see…the cast is sooo awesome that they make u fall in love with all of ‘em. and it does something to this girl who loves loves loves to see talented people do their natural and beautiful talented thing.

‘rent’ cast from the original movie, taken at the apollo.