throwing candy hearts over my shoulder…

(and loving pablo neruda…) AND…i think it’s funny how we say ‘good night’ in the morning.

happy heart’s day.
solo o doble

September 8th
by Pablo Neruda

Today, this day was a brimming cup,
today, this day was the immense wave,
today, it was all the earth.

Today the stormy sea
lifted us in a kiss
so high that we trembled
in a lightning flash
and, tied, we went down
to sink without untwining.

Today our bodies became vast,
they grew to the edge of the world
and rolled melting
into a single drop
of wax or meteor.

Between you and me a new door opened
and someone, still faceless,
was waiting for us there.

new year…new yeah

oddly enough i’ve been the least bit excited about the ringing in of the new year, more than i can realize ever in my life. i’m not sure why, either. and i’m not really worried about it. my life is good, i’m blessed, i’m happy….i’ve got some awesome gifts, man. specialness abounds and abounds and abounds, and it sooo did in 2008.

i usually make some share of resolutions, and i’m so over THAT…too. i figure that the only and best way we can better ourselves this ’09 is to just give more to others this year…than we did last year.

how cool is that?

this year, i’ve gotten a list of stuff i asked for. gigs….friends…loves…i mean, love…more love….stranger love, warm love, funny love, deep love. gigs that speak to my passion. i’ve played in the beach (twice), i’ve traveled more…i’ve kept in line with somehow seeing john legend in concert i think every year since he’s had an album release….i saw him open for usher, open for kanye, i’ve seen keyshia cole open for him, lyfe open for him, him perform at my high school, and raphael saadiq open for him…it’s been a cool oddity.

enuff ’bout that…just be positive this year, make it your year. do good and feel good despite how dire your circumstances may seem because if you keep going…thing’s will definitely turn around. i base that on my spiritual beliefs…base it on whatever you want.

and love, daggonit…just love yourself and others as if they had your face…your blood, your dreams, your desires.

i’ve noticed

i’ve noticed that we are a people addicted to now.
right now.
and that now is never as good as early or earlier.
i’ve noticed.
now.
that we are addicted to fast.
hot.
ready.
here.
yet it takes centuries to learn how to love.
even now.
to live and learn. but to thoroughly live and learn…it takes a millennia.
and it takes defeat. and it takes pain. and it takes pleasure. all at their supposed measures and doses and nights and days of quantum turmoil. anguish. animosity.
now.
i’ve learned it takes art.
it takes time.
it takes intellect.
it takes gives. it takes takes.
it takes science, geology and mathematics.
it takes multi-linguistics and magic.
it takes unanswered prayer requests.
it takes believing in God and questioning.
it takes zodiac signs and newspapers.
it takes songs and it takes time.
it takes a toll and tools and money and time.
it takes questions.
it takes time.
to learn.
i’ve noticed.

the prop 8 blame game

marriage makes me nervous. relationships make me more nervous. the whole “i do” forever, baby becoming a lifetime of fluttery moments but then real work when love’s supposed to be buttery and sugary and warm and effortless like movies and disney magic. and schtuff gets hard when you love your mate more than yourself but they are especially flirty with others and leave you wondering or when all they listen to is like celtic rock and you much rather listen to coltrane or they snore through lightening storms and over the decibels of ambulances outside or they fall asleep during movies or hate your incense or your hair. marriage…makes me nervous. two people deliriously in love with each other enough to make the jump despite occasional schtuff…are we really sane if we really wanna do this thing…forever (gulp)? shouldn’t that be the question? shouldn’t it? which leads me to this year’s election and the promise of better government and proposition 8 and the new blame game.

prop 8 makes same-sex marriage illegal in california. personally, who gives a flying f*ck about who wants to marry? do they love each other? let people marry and be happy. i mean, what harm does it me that anybody wants to marry? i speak this as a christian, also. but what also angers me is that although they comprise only about 6% of california’s population, black people are being blamed for the majority ‘yes’ vote making same-sex marriage illegal in cali. this sort of blame game takes away the real issue at hand and our maturity as a nation. why are ethnic groups being called out? is this valid? i immediately became suspicious and wanted to do some investigating myself.

here’s a good article by teresa morrison published by advocate.com…debunking black blame.

for you

…well, i’m supposed to be working and doing stuff and being productive and involved and all i can do…is this…

for you…the effortless world opener

effortless world opener
by heartbreak

you are my eyes…that i smile behind
a certain beauty and all the time

you are my stars…i long to see
a breathtaking constellation…some particles seamingly made of me

you are my friend…that voice
my psyche’s perfect co-host

you are my heart…that steamy place
you make time and troubles erase

you are my focus…when you shouldn’t be
when i’m running late…feeling out of place
when i’m exuberantly happy or lower than most

you are my tight rope walk…teaching me
life and love is not a harsh narrow lonely single walk
that lines and shades move in and out
that will, experience and communication even us out

you are the other part of my soul
you make me whole…underneath the everchanging part of me.

and…dot dot dot

being told that someone loves your arteries and veins…is like whoa!

my love is like whoa…mya

soft shoulder

you ever get that icky feeling that hollywood hyped romantic comedramas have mis-steered the mitsubishi of your heartstrings only to get you into a really hot hot…wheels spinnin, grindin ditch?

i wonder this of myself sometimes. but am not willing to blame hip hop…as the media is amped to do these days…it would be easy to blame hollywood for my car crashes. my interrupted cross country drive car & driver experiences. dang! why am i so neurotic…esp. in the ‘romantic’ slow lane. why am i always wonderin. why am i always…soooo dramatically unsteady. why my palms sweat so bad on the clutch? why am i so quick to pump at the breaks? why does external bad weather affect my internal vision, especially at night? why am i trying to drive this car…like my old ten speed huffy?

i can’t blame movies. i can’t blame my family. i can’t blame my friends for my breakneck wanna be underdog, needing to be assured 24/7…better yet 36/7 (???) meanderings and musings when i could just be calm and enjoy. i do think i’m worthy of unconditional love. comfort. but why do i always feel like i need to keep checking the tire pressure? why am i sometimes soooo curious about the blind spot? and better yet, who can i blame for it?

who?

brings to mine ‘soft shoulder’ from ani difranco’s album ‘to the teeth’

“two people pulled over on the same night
to look up at the same stars
they both found their wheels
were spinning in a soft shoulder
when they got back into their cars
they missed fate’s appointed rendezvous
and then a whole lot of time went by
and finally they were done worshipping
the landscape and they put down their hands
and moved into the sky
and they had barely said hello
and it was time to say goodbye

goodbye …”

and while that love was a quickie…
i guess the understanding is that when you find that person who wants to spin with you…in that wicked ditch, help u up, dust you off, as you do it for them…then there’s just no reason to drive alone.

(thank you)

do it, justice like…

love that is…i was getting some of my favorite poets together for my favor-RIGHT…scored with this nikki giovanni great.

Resignation

I love you
because the Earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into spring
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off the Earth
into another dimension
I love you
because it is the natural order of things
I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I’m sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
through my life a mess
I love you
because I don’t want it
any other way
I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it’s been so good
for so long
that if I didn’t love you
I’d have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you
The Dells tell me Love
is so simple
the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can’t sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined that
I should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you
I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you `cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you

blustery heart’s day

so the day i usually opt to wear black is tomorrow. i’m sure offices and homes will be flooded with signs de amor (of love) flowers, cards, the exchanging of poetry, admirations, flirtations beyond belief, zippy electric love, or weepy depressive but good love…true love, old love, young, new. and so this year…i won’t opt to haterate the v-day. i’ll try and celebrate it i suppose. but i am heartbreak…and because i just don’t wanna say too much, maybe i’ll wear a black tank underneath my winter attire for all those…searchin but i may have …nevermind.

keep going…it will happen. if no, not and now…relish in that…you may look up and see your blustery heart’s day future…here’s hoping that you do. if not, tomorrow…keep walking. floss your sexy. you will find them.

one of my favorite love songs…as of like the last year or so…john legend’s ‘p.d.a.’

if you don’t have a valentine…you can use me…i don’t mind. happy valentine’s day, from heartbreak. sigh.

them internet shady types

can’t quite shake this thing…so if i blog about it, let it out into the atmosphere, just maybe it will fly away. and it was never really anything much…not much at all.

i’m speaking about my ‘so year…2007’ entry and the person that went away. left me with a sordid desire to not be a believer in folk so much anymore. the nothing’s promised promise…that rings true.

i’ve never really been one to believe in internet romance/dating. i mean, it feels weird to really be into someone you can’t see. i love the whole dating thing when it comes to being in that person’s presence. their space. seeing the broadness or leanness of their apartment. seeing what their dishes look like. rummaging through their record collection. watching their idiosyncrasies, remembering their smell. hearing the rise and fall in their voice. cherishing how they say my name. knowing their laugh. watching the contours of their nose move when they smile. the way they dress. the internet can’t really give that … emoticons can’t match what we as people really are. so naturally i am a little shocked that i was all into this internet thing with just some guy who approached me…textually.

i mean, he sorta had me mesmerized by his words. sentiments. his photographs. and who knows, maybe that wasn’t even him…maybe he isn’t even a guy? he could be like a fourteen year old rich kid living in malibu who has decided he’s already bored with life. or it could be a government employee monitoring certain ‘activity’ who decided to use me for her own personal amusement and weak wanton loneliness. i don’t even know.

but to take it for what it seemed to be…i think i was used. i think i was used to get another girl’s attention or vile jealousy. i probably made their love sweeter. he seemed tremendously interested in me. who doesn’t like that attention? so things were moving along…emails became longer, more ‘getting to know you’ information exchanged. he was a writer and had a poetic capture with words and such. and just as things were progressing comfortably and slowly. he said he was busy or had missed seeing my mail or…then nothing. and as far as me, i hadn’t grown more or less clingy or psycho, still cautious…waiting for the cartoon clown to pop out of my computer monitor. that’s how cautious i was. but yeah, after that…nada…nothing. he was the fluffer, i was fluffed and then left alone and ruffled. which is fine. i believe it for the best but i just wonder why me? i was totally fine having a slightly colder inbox. i was so fine being alone. why did he hafta try and mess with that a minute?

i still see his internet presence but he never ‘stops by.’ internet shady types. who needs them and why in the heck was i a believer? but it was still something. it was my intuition that told me something different. but really i just wish that he would have left me alone.

yet every time i smart off dissing the superhighway de informacion…someone tells me how they met their “one” on that same road. my coolest friends tell me they’ve tried it…but i don’t wanna do that no nothing…no more.

i love this song by the way…sure looks good to me by alicia keys