homework…

my assignment is late.

see, last week i was down…like really down and depressed. i was a wild mix of confused and sad. antsy and without any foresight of a good & positive change. i was losing a fight between myself & my other self…and letting a whole lot of negativity and doom cloud my vision. i call these moments, in hindsight, “putting God in a box.” i relate this sort of ‘i feel sooo sorry for myself’ to mapping out my whole life to what i can see. during these times, i fail to see that i’m limiting all my possibilities to my own very gloomy tunnel vision without acknowledging the fact that God moves us and can move us far beyond our own wildest dreams. and that all of the negativity only holds up His progress and questions His timing.

this was me last week.

during my new job searches i felt anxious and depressed. i felt like i was looking at and applying for the same jobs that were posted by the same companies two months ago. and maybe those were the same postings from two months ago. i felt that not only was i nagging and picking on myself but that other people were too…and i didn’t allow myself to see that they were doing it because they love me and know my potential…not because they wanted to get in on the pity party. everything i had structured for myself for the week was either way late or didn’t happen.

until…the person who issued this assignment spoke to me one afternoon. feeling uncomfortable a little because i didn’t want to sound like such an incessant ‘downer’ i told them how i felt. and in the instance of that conversation that one afternoon, i felt true relief. they reminded me of my talent and of my faith…and they allowed me to pull back from my current situation and consider a bigger picture…a bigger reality at play. and like, not only did the inner beauty of this person shine through as usual, it allowed me to feel more brave and more confident. and i began to quickly think of new approaches to try, not only to make myself happy but to make them proud as well. and it brought me two weekly assignments.

one of which is this, my homework assignment which is about 39 minutes late.

thanks
(u kno whatchu mean)

what is God trying to tell me…

so…we are being released in groups from work. our HR positions have been splintered and shipped to india. the majority of my department left, only to leave a group of us to do menial tasks, at best.

my bestest bestest work bud/friend was apart of the first group. we had worked together for three years…i even trained him on his function and can remember the very first day we met and that he wore a suit and tie. we laughed about that much much later, having watched our semi-stuffy typically corporate department fall apart.

i heard from him recently. prior to his exit, i had discussed with him that i’d have my resume re-structured and after the finished product i let him see it. he wanted to copy the format to see if it would garner attention. which was fine. we had spent many many many days discussing dreams, academics, disappointments, anxiety, disdain with our environment…countless days sharing the success stories of other people who seemingly get awesome jobs and/or strokes of luck while we had felt so left behind in the process. sometimes our conversations would literally turn my stressful days into good ones. we are both guitar players and video game addicts, imeem fiends and so on…

well, as fate would have it he landed a dynamic job, for a cool company, making almost twenty thousand dollars more. the opportunities for stuff he never should have been denied were even offered in this new role. possibly contributing to the success other than copying the resume format was getting an MBA, as well after busting his arse working and going to school for years.

i say this…to say this. if that resume’s worth was to get him a job and never have any pay off value for me…the money is by far not wasted…even if it never works for me. he’s a dynamic guy who will go far and in whom i believe in…to the very core of me.

and i say this…also to say this. if my resume’s format isn’t working for me…and i have a master’s…of all the places i’ve been applying to for months on end without any gain…what is God trying to tell me?

think outside the…

there are certain phrases that i hate. for some reason the mention of them, no matter how cute or steamy the sayer…the repetition of ‘it’ drives me into a fit of helpless rage.

i, heartbreak, admit that i hate the term, “think outside the box.” for first…who the eff said i think in a box? i would like to imagine my thoughts are more circles or bright clouds…or um…in the shapes of floating leather jackets or um…barbie plastic sandle shoes. or lego blocks. or the facial frontal creative canvas of an etch-a-sketch. not a freakin box.

anyway…i’ve newly discovered a way to channel my distraughtful thoughts. oft i get locked into a frenzied mind-dance of self-doubt & defeat…but if i calm down enough to look at the issue from a whole new perspective…opportunity sprouts like a freakin newborn tree. try it sometime but the equation to equal anything requires a bit of trouble or agony…a puzzle…a problem.

for example. i am having zero luck pinning down a job in my old categories. but…i’ve learned through a bit more researching that my current position (soon to be over) coupled with a bit of my interest…a bit of my passion…equals a whole new crop of jobs to apply for.

so try this…

your issue, sprinkled with time…a new perspective…then move.

more specific??

my degree (master’s and bachelor’s) is in journalism, my professional background HR…my passion is in communications/writing…these facts open up many other possibilities i’ve never searched for…hence
technical writing (for i’ve written many procedures)
direct marketing (communication and writing again…in a corporate yet more expansive market)
public relations
advising/counseling/recruiting
i’m web saavy…
so, web marketing / research
and…
after hearing slowjams.com on the radio over the weekend…i’d love to dj an internet radio show…
and on and on…

don’t give in…just keep going.

here’s to thinking outside…you.

i heart writing but…

it’s saturday. the saturday after my most favorite holiday, july 4. the mid-morning air is crisp and moving lightly in underneath the bottom of my open window. my ‘wanna be’ cool dark wood shades for world market allow a nice view of the street…my neighbor’s home across the way, the occasional jogger and the tree in my yard. my music is soft and i’ve just updated some writing of mine that i am really really excited and scared about.

i have been aware for a long time now…that writing is what i am supposed to do. it cleanses me and it moves me…it captivates me and reassures me. it is what is and what has always gotten me by. it is my best friend and my love. it is my answer and it holds all my questions. it is my beginning and no doubt, my end.

and even though it has proven from time to time to be mine…my power and my weakness. the thing that catches all my quirks…all my weirdness it still evades me as to what i want to do with it to earn a living…to be my lifestyle. i’ve always had to two-time it…cheat on it by having a 9-5. not because this is what i want.

i love writing so much that i enrolled in it as an undergrad…graduated in it as a master’s…and yet am still stuck as to how to get in. even, how to pave my way in this field. yet somehow i guess i’m thankful because the frustration has pushed me to write. i guess i’ll always need that wicked mix…but i’d prefer to do it…and get paid. stay true to my creativity…still.

i guess i’m bitter too. going to college, i had some scholarships but loans also. hence debt. and that debt the chain…linking me to the slavery of being financially indebted to the system, not free enough to roam about and be that bohemian writergirl i’ve always dreamed about. it’s tough smiling for the man, sitting in his cubicle while he forces me to tussle with his paper work for a small payment, bad health benefits and little incentive. especially compared to what he makes.

according to the center for american progress:
“The New York Times recently reported that the average CEO made nearly $10 million last year. That’s the average salary for CEOs at 179 large companies. The average worker, on the other hand, earns just under $30,000 per year, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. This means that CEOs now take home upwards of 250 times the average worker’s wage.”

contemplative. angry. and stuck.
living as a debt slave in this society…debt to major corporations and living in an economic environment that is outsourcing jobs and just not growing right now thanks to 8 years of the very unapologetic bush and cheney regime.

being financially stuck makes one stilted. you can’t travel, you can’t learn other countries, you can’t eat as healthy, you have to suffice with less effective medications, you have to live less safe, you have to work through despite every inch of your body telling you that you need to rest. it’s a vicious way of living with no easy out…except winning the lottery…and we all know those odds.

all this and my life could be worse…i do watch the evening news with my hand over my eyes. but i suggest that we…those who make less than say the average workers $47,000 a year…if WE banded together to change the price of gasoline, to demand banking corporations be less predatory, to demand equal rights, better health care…if we could forget about our racial divide and focus on what really matters…our survival in the world, and having a substantial financial mound to grow from…to allow our kids a better future…then…what are we waiting for? the amount of us making under $47,000 are…we are the majority.

for more insight…read paul krugman’s article, “the great wealth transfer.”

along these lines…here’s ‘guarantees’ by atmosphere who is a rapper who’s been in the game for a minute now. he’s freeekin’ genius…

what are we waiting for? we are actually sitting on power. untapped power to change the … our horizon.

cities cities cities & me

ok…so the storm begins where before i was calm and slightly elated that my company’s outsourcing would be my initial kick to get out of this city (yes, columbus, ohio), i’m falling into a bit of a funk and frenzy. my time is short and i’m torn. i have to make this leap, and i’m afraid. i have to go…but i just don’t know where.

i have approximately a month to do some pretty major things. they are:
convince / coax someone i’m hireable holding a master of science degree…
meet someone who can get me in…my last ditch chance was a contact at columbia…haven’t heard back after sophisticated yet almost begging check in…
or just…(gasp)
pack my car with my movies. music. computer. and…drive.
this all seemed so cinematic before…reality has put the fear into this girl.

however, i do have a more narrow idea of where i want to go…with the help and essay driven questions and answers from and of a few friends. research. salary / cost of living calculators and many many many polls.

here’s the list:
new york city/brooklyn/or even jersey – pros…everything! cons…soooooooo expensive

los angeles – pros…city, sun, opportunity and my love for film…cons soooo expensive and the cost to drive it would be close to what??? right!

las vegas or phoenix…pros…sun / cons…too far a drive…again

jacksonville, fl – A STRONG CONTENDER for job opportunities, sun and beach. (leaning towards this area because it’s still seemingly doable and risky enough)

atlanta, ga – pros…would love a cnn gig…

raleigh/durham/cary, nc – pros…my dream team has done wonderful at convincing me. both i ultra respect as high as could be and still A STRONG CONTENDER…cons…i want a fast fast city setting. but then again, there’s the dream team.

washington, dc – pros…opportunities galore, my love for politics. cons…sooooo expensive.

so…that is what is going right now. my job expected to be outsourced to india in about 30 days…after which…i plan to … move. um…somewhere.

wish me luck…send me some suggestions. and uh…i am seeking anything, boasting experience in HR and writing…but not limited to such.

everything may be wrong

i had a revelation the other day…everything may be wrong with my job search. i am going to explain it like this…my current search has been primarily for hr positions in city x, y, and/or z. but why am i searching for an hr position while my passion is writing? why am i only focusing on hr when i complain…all the time about the confines of corporate america? why then am i settling for something that doesn’t captivate my joy? why am i settling for less than what i want? and why am i semi-searching for writing jobs, while i have many other passions?

sometimes we get tricked into thinking that our goal has one road…when in actually there are many routes to success. don’t forget this.

i was operating under the idea that my road for a job change and locale…had a lineal road. not true because there are many avenues we can take to get there. from reading various stories and articles about successful people, i’ve learned that goals, dreams, aspirations and answers…such as life…is way too wildly various. so why can’t our paths be wildly various as well?

i’ve newly learned what it means to never stop. to always be ready to change, ready for change and be willing to fix or alter the process. if you land at failure…keep going…don’t stop there because you’ll end up cheating yourself.

and if i may get spiritual for a minute…i was thinking…is God not allowing this for me because it just truly isn’t me? it won’t bring me the joy i want? it’s not where i need to be? He has something better? for i’ve tried and tried and tried…nothing’s working. maybe my focus is off.

if something isn’t working…immediately try something different…and maybe at some point keep trying that old thing…just in case.

with me, sure, i’ll stay on jobfox, monster and careerbuilder. i will continue to look at company profiles and make contacts. but i will also try many other industries that i am interested in. we are more faceted in more than we sometimes realize.

sometimes all appears to be lost…when winning is just around the corner.

if i like it, i do it

because i’m a writer (prolly more because i am human) i analyze…like a lot. and i’ve discovered it is really really excruciatingly hard for me to do something if my heart isn’t in it. enter: my job search. i always feel overwhelmed and desperate. and defeated. a talk with a beantown friend…she told me i looked defeated. i didn’t want to hear it but she was right. so, to help me…to help me succeed in doing something i’ve lost heart in…i’ve devised a plan. maybe it will work for you as well.

my title above is from a jamiroquai song…from the album ‘emergency on planet earth’ and it so suits my personality. i’m a pleasure addict…i could do what i love 24 hours a day. i love the idea of moving and getting new work and a new environment…this has to be achieved for the good of me. so my heart is there…it is lacking in the process.

here’s an antidote if you feel overwhelmed:

commit to a livable goal. this blog keeps me motivated. but i will try to commit to making one job inquiry or contact every day. 30 days breaks way to 30 new leads, 30 new possibilities a month. it is minimal, hopefully some days i will do even more…but the minimum could provide promising results. so just do one thing toward your goal…one day…one thing. be happy, go for your goals…and fight complacency and that feeling of being overwhelmed. if you wanna learn the guitar, japanese and juggling. commit to each just once…every day for a manageable non-demanding span of time. or take an hour and divide it for each desire. in two months you’ll be a heckuva lot further than working on the guitar for four hours on tuesday and never again for the rest of the month.

declarations

over the weekend i won a six pack of beer…miller. the packaging is fancy and celebratory. inside there are six bottles of beer (i don’t drink beer), a miller t-shirt, many coasters, a glass, a nice silver ice container, and a beer chiller. funny thing is, i told the person i was with that i was gonna win, before i won. sure enough, my number was called.  my prize is downstairs now, sitting on the counter.  i’m gonna have fun with it.

today though, i’ve had…well for the last few days i’ve had this feeling that something big is about to happen in my life. something i’ve been wanting and something i’ve been waiting on. something exciting and mindblowing.  but i also have the sense that it will be an adjustment and a challenge that i need.  the feeling is so intense that i almost feel alien and isolated around most of my common surroundings…but not at my home. there’s just this constant and steady anxiousness that this thing is just like, right around the corner.  and i feel ready…

i’ve felt this before and nothing has happened. i wasn’t even going to blog about it…but this is my little experiment.

wish me the best. i will keep you posted.

no excuses

i go to church. not every sunday but i do go. and i’m from the mind that the heart defines the man/woman…not blind practice. not willful, meaningful…nothing. not labels…but heart.

anyway.

last sunday i learned some morsels. my church is larger than i am used to. it’s even not what my denomination is…well, was. but i’m not into denomination, either. i even used to go to catholic mass while in grad school. there are about three thousand members collectively at my current church. there are two services. i usually attend the second. and there are about fifteen hundred or so people there. a few i know…many i do not. one of the pastors i sometimes see at work…he’s a great conversationalist and works on a different floor for an entirely different company. i’ve had the joys of engaging in banter with him about all kinds of stuff.

anyway.

when i glanced down at the sermon notes, i was taken aback. i don’t know how it is that the main pastor frequently seems to speak to the very thing i happen to be struggling with. it’s odd but it’s true.

anyway.

here’s what i learned.

the topic, “following your heart: shaped to make a difference”

we are essentially 5 things:
we have

spiritual gifts (what we are gifted with)
a heart (what we love to do)
abilities (our natural abilities)
personality
and
experiences (our unique experiences that no one else in the world has)

(and before i get caught for plagiarism, i’mma do my best and tell you the rest of what i learned from my perspective)

essentially our purpose is tied to the very thing that we are good at and that which we really enjoy doing

however the devices that keep us from doing what we love are:

disappointment-it causes us to no longer live but to merely exist. we fail to realize that if we don’t succeed the first time, it just means we are human

fear-causes us to bury our talents

guilt-we cannot be guilty and pursue our dreams at the same time

bitterness-our past is the past…let it go

rejection-being perfect won’t make people like us. it is their problem and we don’t need their approval

we need to stop doing things we don’t have the heart to do

living unfulfilled will affect us physically and mentally

passion is another word for heart, and only passionate people get things done

hope deferred makes the heart sick-proverbs 13:12

stop hiding your gifts to make other people comfortable

stop apologizing for being you

lastly:

God made you to be you.
“it’s God who produces in you the desires and actions that please Him” Philippians 2:13

there you go…have a fantastic week…and literally…you now have no excuse.

just be sure to share your success story.

i’m waiting.