technology is crazy/amazing

craziest thing…my best friend at 7 years old just contacted me via the internet. how cool and crazy is that? never in my wildest dreams would i have thought i would hear from her or that she’d be thinking of me.

crazy.

homework…

my assignment is late.

see, last week i was down…like really down and depressed. i was a wild mix of confused and sad. antsy and without any foresight of a good & positive change. i was losing a fight between myself & my other self…and letting a whole lot of negativity and doom cloud my vision. i call these moments, in hindsight, “putting God in a box.” i relate this sort of ‘i feel sooo sorry for myself’ to mapping out my whole life to what i can see. during these times, i fail to see that i’m limiting all my possibilities to my own very gloomy tunnel vision without acknowledging the fact that God moves us and can move us far beyond our own wildest dreams. and that all of the negativity only holds up His progress and questions His timing.

this was me last week.

during my new job searches i felt anxious and depressed. i felt like i was looking at and applying for the same jobs that were posted by the same companies two months ago. and maybe those were the same postings from two months ago. i felt that not only was i nagging and picking on myself but that other people were too…and i didn’t allow myself to see that they were doing it because they love me and know my potential…not because they wanted to get in on the pity party. everything i had structured for myself for the week was either way late or didn’t happen.

until…the person who issued this assignment spoke to me one afternoon. feeling uncomfortable a little because i didn’t want to sound like such an incessant ‘downer’ i told them how i felt. and in the instance of that conversation that one afternoon, i felt true relief. they reminded me of my talent and of my faith…and they allowed me to pull back from my current situation and consider a bigger picture…a bigger reality at play. and like, not only did the inner beauty of this person shine through as usual, it allowed me to feel more brave and more confident. and i began to quickly think of new approaches to try, not only to make myself happy but to make them proud as well. and it brought me two weekly assignments.

one of which is this, my homework assignment which is about 39 minutes late.

thanks
(u kno whatchu mean)

what is God trying to tell me…

so…we are being released in groups from work. our HR positions have been splintered and shipped to india. the majority of my department left, only to leave a group of us to do menial tasks, at best.

my bestest bestest work bud/friend was apart of the first group. we had worked together for three years…i even trained him on his function and can remember the very first day we met and that he wore a suit and tie. we laughed about that much much later, having watched our semi-stuffy typically corporate department fall apart.

i heard from him recently. prior to his exit, i had discussed with him that i’d have my resume re-structured and after the finished product i let him see it. he wanted to copy the format to see if it would garner attention. which was fine. we had spent many many many days discussing dreams, academics, disappointments, anxiety, disdain with our environment…countless days sharing the success stories of other people who seemingly get awesome jobs and/or strokes of luck while we had felt so left behind in the process. sometimes our conversations would literally turn my stressful days into good ones. we are both guitar players and video game addicts, imeem fiends and so on…

well, as fate would have it he landed a dynamic job, for a cool company, making almost twenty thousand dollars more. the opportunities for stuff he never should have been denied were even offered in this new role. possibly contributing to the success other than copying the resume format was getting an MBA, as well after busting his arse working and going to school for years.

i say this…to say this. if that resume’s worth was to get him a job and never have any pay off value for me…the money is by far not wasted…even if it never works for me. he’s a dynamic guy who will go far and in whom i believe in…to the very core of me.

and i say this…also to say this. if my resume’s format isn’t working for me…and i have a master’s…of all the places i’ve been applying to for months on end without any gain…what is God trying to tell me?

surreal…eve

all in all, my holiday, but i supposed i am still stuck in the middle, because new year’s is an impending vibrant joyful holiday as well…was good, starting with a surreal moment.

the tickets were really hard to get and really through all forms of logistics and probability we should not have been able to get these tickets, but on christmas eve, we were fortunate enough to attend a john legend benefit show at my high school. as mentioned before, i knew of john simply by being a springfield native. he went to my high school, but that is sort of the extent of it. i’m not sure he’d know me…i always knew of him because he comes from an extremely talented family. and just by the way he looked way back then in those hallways of our school, it is of no surprise he has evolved into a success story. he always had ‘that look,’ an aura, and if you heard him play or sing…you just kinda new this kid would be something one day. i’m glad i got the opportunity to see it turn into what it is today. and even if i didn’t know him back then, i’d still own both his albums and a few live ones, because i just really like his sound…his lyrics…and his demeanor. when i heard the new sounds of kanye west a few years ago on ‘college dropout’ and opened up the liner notes and saw john’s picture…it was breathtaking…and yet, expected that he would make it into the industry.

so on christmas eve…in the same building i had seen john thirteen or fourteen years ago…to see him perform to a sell out crowd of about 500 people in our high school’s auditorium was surreal. he still modeled that same charm and that same precious humble spirit after commercials, grammy’s, being on oprah, magazine covers, videos, collaborating on various artists’ releases, and winning several other awards. yes, he’s a regular person like me, but he’s had an extraordinary life and it is just good to see someone doing what they love and succeeding so well with it. it also solidifies the reassurance that if this guy made it, in his own way, i can make it too…in my own way. it was very moving. his brother vaughan anthony possesses that same kind of musical spirit…so look out for him.

it was also really cool to hang out with a couple college friends as well. they remind me of me…who i was back then in college. when i had a liz phair ‘whip smart’ star hanging from my college dorm room light…with a lili taylor picture taped to the wall, beside an ani difranco photo…and a picture of snoop dogg. they remind me of those times when i had my ‘malcolm and andy’ film festival…where my friends and i endured my showing of ‘i shot andy warhol’ and ‘malcom x’ one night.

also, there is still that dynamic feeling that happens…that feeling when you haven’t seen someone for years…and when you meet again, it’s that same organic chemistry that feels like you’ve never really left each other’s presence. for illustrative reasons…it feels like a bookmark….going back to that same page and continuing to read…not missing a beat…it is good to catch up with folk you’ve known for ten or more years. to see the maturity, to talk and laugh nonsense and to just…be.

made to bend in the wind

“buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that’s what it takes”
ani difranco.

as much as i blog that i will no longer put up with “samantha” and the talk…the racially offensive talk that destroys most fun-loving conversation while work time ticks itself away and aside from putting way too much energy in even thinking/writing about this, i have decided that i cannot seem to cut her off completely.

one…we work together.
two…what good will it do.
three…will one evolve to a better person with the lack of communication.
four…on the other side of the racial crap…there’s like a good person there. a smart, sweet, intelligent person…there. this asset outshines everything else.

it is funny how life rips apart our boundaries…thru hard and soft confrontations. the longer i live the more i see that life is not so black and white…gray rocks the spectrum more than any other color.

and i guess i’m not who i was five years ago. and the very things i stood for…or against…i’ve changed…by time, various accounts, interactions, challenges, defeats, happiness, sadness-plain living. somehow i hope all of this creates a better person out of me and a more enriched life.

i think of my past ideologies…and how much they’ve faded or grown stronger. so with the fluidity of personality. i’ll bend…and on account of good character. it would be easier if she wasn’t a nice person.

and what i’ve learned is that when i do get offended…it is a point of talk for us…i’ll ask her why she feels that way…so, maybe we both will learn something.

darn niceness…it makes every anger soooo difficult.

that wicked mix

i wasn’t even gonna blog today, but i guess the wind had its way and here i am. just sharing something that had been rumbling underneath, needing air…needing to be set free. maybe like a silent prayer.

i realized something. i feel the supremacy of my friends. i am so grateful for them that if they’d all disappear today, neglect me, leave me, lose me, forget me…i could still fly, i could still float off the memories of them and our experiences together. their support. their love. and that’s an astonishing feeling. they bring that kinda fire…that enchanting, mysterious charge, that charming fluff that makes life that much more engaging. when i don’t even realize it, immediately…i’m touched later. i see this thing unfolded…yielding love. and when i do catch it…see it…i cherish it days, months, years later. i’ve been just truly blessed by them. and i am the kinda cat…that when ‘things’ didn’t work out…i can still thank God for those times…those times i still walked away with not only experience and hopefully wisdom…but still with something tangible, appreciated and lovely.

don’t get me wrong…i have been to a place where i felt like the loneliest person on the entire planet. i know what it feels like to experience coldness and a chill to life that offers no seeable escape. i know what it’s like to feel frozen, dark, crushed, bruised, battered, unloved, rejected, isolated. down, dark. a point that is the lowest of all possible lows. where there is no one. just self, sitting in a gloom of misery, no desire, no hope…i know what that is. i’ve been there. not because of a person, but only circumstance. and i’ve been to that place of pure contentment, almost a dizzying, seductive, enlightenment that contained a bit of heaven. it held a luxury of its own wealth. it was like having a super power. a feeling like standing on the tip of the tallest mountain and believing that if i had jumped just a bit to the left, the feeling would have caused me to fly.

and i’d rather have both…that wicked mix.