do what you are supposed to do!!

i really am just waiting for my tea…but, i’ve sat here and cried and i want you to know why.

a sorta distant friend of mine whom i’ve met once and have gone to a barack obama rally with is crazy talented…and a singer. so there’s this new john legend contest on the radio. you get a chance to submit your version of john legend’s song, “everybody knows.” if your song is selected you win a prize package when john comes into town during his tour.

we insisted that this friend go for it. he did and i just listened to his version and it is AMAZING. it took my breath away, literally. however this young man is working in corporate america and hates it. his voice is freakin AWESOME.

i also went to a play this weekend…talent…sheer talent inspires me deep.

i’m sitting here….waiting for my tea…and am working on some tunes with new software. and it’s making me feel as if i’m in control of my destiny. but just a few ticks of time ago…i was in utter despair because of how i feel about where i am.

so…in my half-state…between here and where i wanna be…my hope for you is that you ‘do what you are supposed to do’ go after that thing that makes you crazy-happy and uniquely you. it’s just a move. and in telling you this, hopefully i’ll be helping myself get more motivated as well.

it’s just a move. the pay-off will knock your socks off.

oh my…

well, the election is just … tomorrow. tomorrow!!!

i remember being a slow supporter of obama, way back when. out of fear, i was scared and i doubted my country’s ability to embrace his message. now, he’s my only hope to change the failed policies of the last 8 years. he’s my only hope to get working families what more they should have…he’s my only hope that the troops come home from a war we can never win with guns and bombs, he’s my only hope for young people everywhere to see that whoever you are and where ever you come from, hard work will get you your highest dreams. he’s my only hope that more jobs come back home. he’s my hope that people get healthcare…i could go on…barack obama is my only hope.

i was fortunate enough to see him and wife, michelle speak at a rally yesterday in columbus, ohio. the weather was sheer perfection and the crowd was so incredibly diverse. i’m not meaning so much, racially but just that there were so many different kinds of people. it was refreshing. i know it’s superficial but when i see mccain/palin rallies they look like a sea of all the very same kind. i know some cities and communities hold their own similarities but the mccain/palin rallies also lack a new freshness. a new direction for the world at large, for our country. we all have to be together to work…to make it. to survive. outside of our religious beliefs or lack thereof…we are all we got. it’s together or not at all. and divided is how we’ve operated under bush for 8 years. we’ve been told what not to say, our privacy has been violated. it’s time…today and tomorrow to wipe that curse away…to scrub at it as much we can.

later on today, jay z, mary j blige and p. diddy will speak on behalf of obama at the king’s art complex. this election is for our youth. i feel deep within me that we are at a major crossroads…the choice is between choosing a new direction or operating under what feels like a lack of direction these last 8 years…and look at where the past has brought us. over the weekend i saw oliver stone’s ‘w’…wow…it put in perspective the visual demise, alone.

last week, i was enjoying the warm lusciousness of both atlanta, georgia and miami, florida. i had a blast and am still dealing with the heartbreak of coming back to the ultra-conservatism/boredom and cold that is columbus, ohio. i loved miami…and decided to go on a fluke. but it was the most exhilarating fluke i’ve ever had. just a travel/tourism note…boat tours rock.

oh well and oh my…go vote. vote your conscience. enjoy your right. and hope/pray for the best for us…for you…for our country and the world.

thank you…and good nite.

(even though it’s only like 2.25pm…)

you can be down but not…

i need to preface this by saying i’ve never had a hard life. i’ve never had to fight for my existence. i’ve never been homeless and i’ve never had to go hungry. i don’t know what it feels like to see impending death or utter poverty, face to face. and i’ve never had a major illness or a life-threatening struggle but i do know what it feels like to be alone and i’ve walked this life where hurt and isolation were my only wicked companions.

i am painfully aware of what being utterly alone feels like. i have stared at it and it has gazed upon me, and held me in its arms tightly, so tight i wasn’t able to breathe. a couple years ago my life was very different from what it is now. back then i lived an internal pain and fear and i was at an extremely low point, emotionally. i struggled to survive and paint the outward appearance that everything was fine. i’d be so distraught and so heavy some days, nights and mornings, i don’t know how i had made it to work. and sometimes the rawness of my situation made me feel like a ghost amongst people. like they were living in a separate universe than mine. their weekends were filled with shopping, movies while in envy; my existence was a furious rage and an unquenchable fear. people i had relied on in the past were gone. people around me were gone. the depth of my pain was so real i didn’t know if i was going to survive. i felt the limit of my strength with every inch of time. i felt an incessant need for change, a glimmer of hope and waited days for it to come. and often it was as elusive as the people i felt i needed. i was pushed and bruised. scared and alone, even around people, even around family. i was distressed beyond the ability to even see clearly. there’d be days when i would get up from my desk at work and go to the highest floor in my building, and i’d just look upon the moving traffic below. at times, my smile came at the passing of a bright and beautiful fluffy cloud. there’d be days when i would withdraw in a bathroom stall and pray. snapping out of my despair if i heard someone at the door. even at home, i would retreat outside and long to just lie, stretched out and dormant on a bed of chilly green grass, i daydreamed that if i’d lay there long enough, change would come…i just almost could barely take the realness and the steadiness of my hurt.

i’d look to the things that would inspire me or make me joyous but even their pleasure would easily fade. my distraught, my pain, my fear, my agony, my anxiety, my loss, my limitations, and my hurt…those were my constants.

the only thing i could do was pray. sometimes i would just say something short. maybe a sentence or two and at those times when i felt an inch away from sheer nothingness, God would provide just enough of a glimmer of light that gave me hope to continue…

my life is much different than it was. i’ve been awed at seeing some things this year that were mere dreams. i’ve traveled more than i ever thought. i’ve been to states and cities i never thought i’d see. i used to daydream of the beach and i’ve played in the atlantic twice this year. yes, i lost my job to outsourcing but i have joy. the warmth that i sought in people…is a new reality and a stronger intensity for me these days…even in my travels. even with people who should regard me as a stranger. i do not believe in putting all of my hope, faith or trust in people…i, for one, saw the downside of that and i blame no one but me…but even i have been fortunate enough to find the beauty in a close bond with someone who continues to provide unshakeable support.

so, i want you to know, it’s okay to be down and out. i’m grateful for the circumstances that brought my pain…i’d rather have experienced the emotional depth in order to write this and share with you. and i’m reminded that everybody who has ever been influential in our world was dynamic in their struggle and more importantly in their sharing because it helped move someone else along. And no matter what you may feel, you are never alone.

as to what caused my pain and turmoil, i’ll just say it was a collection of many things, many circumstances, many people all at once. it was a loved one going through an illness, it was a lot of different things. it all came crashing down around me, left me alone, cold, empty and without shelter. but after having dried off from the drenching, i can give you this part of me enough to say, keep moving.

here’s a vid pick…my friend dan s. made me the best living colour mix. since, i’ve always been in love with this song…nothingness by living colour.

homework…

my assignment is late.

see, last week i was down…like really down and depressed. i was a wild mix of confused and sad. antsy and without any foresight of a good & positive change. i was losing a fight between myself & my other self…and letting a whole lot of negativity and doom cloud my vision. i call these moments, in hindsight, “putting God in a box.” i relate this sort of ‘i feel sooo sorry for myself’ to mapping out my whole life to what i can see. during these times, i fail to see that i’m limiting all my possibilities to my own very gloomy tunnel vision without acknowledging the fact that God moves us and can move us far beyond our own wildest dreams. and that all of the negativity only holds up His progress and questions His timing.

this was me last week.

during my new job searches i felt anxious and depressed. i felt like i was looking at and applying for the same jobs that were posted by the same companies two months ago. and maybe those were the same postings from two months ago. i felt that not only was i nagging and picking on myself but that other people were too…and i didn’t allow myself to see that they were doing it because they love me and know my potential…not because they wanted to get in on the pity party. everything i had structured for myself for the week was either way late or didn’t happen.

until…the person who issued this assignment spoke to me one afternoon. feeling uncomfortable a little because i didn’t want to sound like such an incessant ‘downer’ i told them how i felt. and in the instance of that conversation that one afternoon, i felt true relief. they reminded me of my talent and of my faith…and they allowed me to pull back from my current situation and consider a bigger picture…a bigger reality at play. and like, not only did the inner beauty of this person shine through as usual, it allowed me to feel more brave and more confident. and i began to quickly think of new approaches to try, not only to make myself happy but to make them proud as well. and it brought me two weekly assignments.

one of which is this, my homework assignment which is about 39 minutes late.

thanks
(u kno whatchu mean)

what comes defeat

i have been throwing a lonely pity party for myself the last few days. being unemployed (via outsourcing my job overseas) is not the glorious dance in sun i had imagined it to be. everyone around me is okay and supportive. but i’m sooo not okay with me. i don’t even feel like me and no one can do anything about it. it’s cool ’cause i can muster up enough bravado to tell myself it’s only been a few weeks. it’s cool because i have all the power to make my last job be the last job i ever work in a cubicle. it’s cool ’cause now i have the power to remake me. now i can complete all those crazy ideas i have and go somewhere with them. it’s cool because…but, it doesn’t feel cool.

this last week, we moved. which is great. i’m tired though but my space is finally looking habitable. and i know enough about me to say i hate change…which is ridiculous. but i’ve been sulking for what has been too long. and no matter the outlet i twist upon, i still fall back into this waking sea of sadness. and don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy sharing this with you. i much rather talk about something else like the mtv awards. but i am hoping somehow, somewhere…like when i asked you guys to send me good vibes, literally the weather changed…i’m hoping that my sharing…will prompt you all to send those awesome vibes my way again. and i’ll be sure to hope the same for you.

me and clive owen

i had a dream last night that clive owen and i were in a high suspense action drama. it was the regular clive owen a la ‘shoot em up’ and he was all sweaty and a little attractively bloody about the face. he had guns, and was wearing a trench coat, dark clothes and was trying to rescue his wife in a post-war dusty looking city at night time. i was the bad guy, surrounded by my cohorts and he sought recluse at our home, which was my aunt’s home in springfield, ohio.

clive needed to use our washroom and i, so cinematically snuck around the back of the house, ducking and staying low…like in the perfect spy movie and watched his shadow through frilly curtains…he was taking a shower. LOL.

(all i had was pizza for dinner…i promise.)

he wrapped the towel around him, put on the same crumbled clothes and drove off…my group and i followed him. he was driving an old green military jeep and had gone to find his wife. after we let him get to her…my dream ended.

weird, eh?

what is God trying to tell me…

so…we are being released in groups from work. our HR positions have been splintered and shipped to india. the majority of my department left, only to leave a group of us to do menial tasks, at best.

my bestest bestest work bud/friend was apart of the first group. we had worked together for three years…i even trained him on his function and can remember the very first day we met and that he wore a suit and tie. we laughed about that much much later, having watched our semi-stuffy typically corporate department fall apart.

i heard from him recently. prior to his exit, i had discussed with him that i’d have my resume re-structured and after the finished product i let him see it. he wanted to copy the format to see if it would garner attention. which was fine. we had spent many many many days discussing dreams, academics, disappointments, anxiety, disdain with our environment…countless days sharing the success stories of other people who seemingly get awesome jobs and/or strokes of luck while we had felt so left behind in the process. sometimes our conversations would literally turn my stressful days into good ones. we are both guitar players and video game addicts, imeem fiends and so on…

well, as fate would have it he landed a dynamic job, for a cool company, making almost twenty thousand dollars more. the opportunities for stuff he never should have been denied were even offered in this new role. possibly contributing to the success other than copying the resume format was getting an MBA, as well after busting his arse working and going to school for years.

i say this…to say this. if that resume’s worth was to get him a job and never have any pay off value for me…the money is by far not wasted…even if it never works for me. he’s a dynamic guy who will go far and in whom i believe in…to the very core of me.

and i say this…also to say this. if my resume’s format isn’t working for me…and i have a master’s…of all the places i’ve been applying to for months on end without any gain…what is God trying to tell me?

think outside the…

there are certain phrases that i hate. for some reason the mention of them, no matter how cute or steamy the sayer…the repetition of ‘it’ drives me into a fit of helpless rage.

i, heartbreak, admit that i hate the term, “think outside the box.” for first…who the eff said i think in a box? i would like to imagine my thoughts are more circles or bright clouds…or um…in the shapes of floating leather jackets or um…barbie plastic sandle shoes. or lego blocks. or the facial frontal creative canvas of an etch-a-sketch. not a freakin box.

anyway…i’ve newly discovered a way to channel my distraughtful thoughts. oft i get locked into a frenzied mind-dance of self-doubt & defeat…but if i calm down enough to look at the issue from a whole new perspective…opportunity sprouts like a freakin newborn tree. try it sometime but the equation to equal anything requires a bit of trouble or agony…a puzzle…a problem.

for example. i am having zero luck pinning down a job in my old categories. but…i’ve learned through a bit more researching that my current position (soon to be over) coupled with a bit of my interest…a bit of my passion…equals a whole new crop of jobs to apply for.

so try this…

your issue, sprinkled with time…a new perspective…then move.

more specific??

my degree (master’s and bachelor’s) is in journalism, my professional background HR…my passion is in communications/writing…these facts open up many other possibilities i’ve never searched for…hence
technical writing (for i’ve written many procedures)
direct marketing (communication and writing again…in a corporate yet more expansive market)
public relations
advising/counseling/recruiting
i’m web saavy…
so, web marketing / research
and…
after hearing slowjams.com on the radio over the weekend…i’d love to dj an internet radio show…
and on and on…

don’t give in…just keep going.

here’s to thinking outside…you.

if i like it, i do it

because i’m a writer (prolly more because i am human) i analyze…like a lot. and i’ve discovered it is really really excruciatingly hard for me to do something if my heart isn’t in it. enter: my job search. i always feel overwhelmed and desperate. and defeated. a talk with a beantown friend…she told me i looked defeated. i didn’t want to hear it but she was right. so, to help me…to help me succeed in doing something i’ve lost heart in…i’ve devised a plan. maybe it will work for you as well.

my title above is from a jamiroquai song…from the album ‘emergency on planet earth’ and it so suits my personality. i’m a pleasure addict…i could do what i love 24 hours a day. i love the idea of moving and getting new work and a new environment…this has to be achieved for the good of me. so my heart is there…it is lacking in the process.

here’s an antidote if you feel overwhelmed:

commit to a livable goal. this blog keeps me motivated. but i will try to commit to making one job inquiry or contact every day. 30 days breaks way to 30 new leads, 30 new possibilities a month. it is minimal, hopefully some days i will do even more…but the minimum could provide promising results. so just do one thing toward your goal…one day…one thing. be happy, go for your goals…and fight complacency and that feeling of being overwhelmed. if you wanna learn the guitar, japanese and juggling. commit to each just once…every day for a manageable non-demanding span of time. or take an hour and divide it for each desire. in two months you’ll be a heckuva lot further than working on the guitar for four hours on tuesday and never again for the rest of the month.

declarations

over the weekend i won a six pack of beer…miller. the packaging is fancy and celebratory. inside there are six bottles of beer (i don’t drink beer), a miller t-shirt, many coasters, a glass, a nice silver ice container, and a beer chiller. funny thing is, i told the person i was with that i was gonna win, before i won. sure enough, my number was called.  my prize is downstairs now, sitting on the counter.  i’m gonna have fun with it.

today though, i’ve had…well for the last few days i’ve had this feeling that something big is about to happen in my life. something i’ve been wanting and something i’ve been waiting on. something exciting and mindblowing.  but i also have the sense that it will be an adjustment and a challenge that i need.  the feeling is so intense that i almost feel alien and isolated around most of my common surroundings…but not at my home. there’s just this constant and steady anxiousness that this thing is just like, right around the corner.  and i feel ready…

i’ve felt this before and nothing has happened. i wasn’t even going to blog about it…but this is my little experiment.

wish me the best. i will keep you posted.