do what you are supposed to do!!

i really am just waiting for my tea…but, i’ve sat here and cried and i want you to know why.

a sorta distant friend of mine whom i’ve met once and have gone to a barack obama rally with is crazy talented…and a singer. so there’s this new john legend contest on the radio. you get a chance to submit your version of john legend’s song, “everybody knows.” if your song is selected you win a prize package when john comes into town during his tour.

we insisted that this friend go for it. he did and i just listened to his version and it is AMAZING. it took my breath away, literally. however this young man is working in corporate america and hates it. his voice is freakin AWESOME.

i also went to a play this weekend…talent…sheer talent inspires me deep.

i’m sitting here….waiting for my tea…and am working on some tunes with new software. and it’s making me feel as if i’m in control of my destiny. but just a few ticks of time ago…i was in utter despair because of how i feel about where i am.

so…in my half-state…between here and where i wanna be…my hope for you is that you ‘do what you are supposed to do’ go after that thing that makes you crazy-happy and uniquely you. it’s just a move. and in telling you this, hopefully i’ll be helping myself get more motivated as well.

it’s just a move. the pay-off will knock your socks off.

ways to stay sane while searching for a job

my insanity should be checked, job or no job, on a regular basis. but if that means it would stop the smiles that i get, maybe i shouldn’t ask for an examination after all.

the latest list of companies downsizing is ugly. it literally makes me sick…it makes my heart hurt and when i think of those numbers i think of families, more so people losing their much needed salaries. i rejoice at the prospects of president barack obama leading this country with an eager and resounding gasp of relief but i know that even he with all of his exuberant productivity so far, visions and dreams has said that it will take time. and that’s why i’m here…listening to a watering effect of techno music to later formulate an article for…but mostly to help keep you sane.

if you are currently unemployed what i am about to say will not help you but you should know that

“More than 2 million Americans requested benefits under the extended program in the week ending Jan. 3, the most recent data available. That’s in addition to the 4.6 million people covered under the regular unemployment insurance system, though the 2 million figure is not seasonally adjusted and is volatile.”

the end of january 2009 saw a 71,400 jobs lost. 2008 saw a loss of 2.6 million jobs. in december of 2007, the number of the unemployed was 11.1 million.

feel better? you shouldn’t. it doesn’t make me feel any better, i’m just giving you the facts.

so here’s a few of my suggestions

1. everyone stresses networking. but who are you gonna network with if no one is working? i say still network. tell everyone you know you never know what sympathetic ear might become a helping hand. try the school you graduated from. try even your church. try contacting colleges or their websites for career help and information. don’t discount the power of communicating out who you are and what you want. to be honest, it’s never worked for me but i hold out the hope that it could and frankly i haven’t tried it so much recently.

2. don’t despair. if you find that you are depressed about not finding an opportunity, if everywhere you go, you suffer a “no.” if you can’t pay your bills, travel to relocate, if you can’t find a win. DO NOT GIVE UP. DO NOT STOP LOOKING. NEVER. you can take a break from the stresses of looking and applying. you can whine and cry for hours about there being nothing out there. BUT NEVER STOP SEARCHING. if you find that you can’t take the strain, talk to someone. get help. i find that if i feel like i’m losing HARD, if I’m having an usually tough day i try to find something i can win at, a video game, a quiz show (for me specifically it’s jeopardy, the 12 year old school kids edition), or it’s finding a new hobby, but lately for me it’s running 5 miles with crazy music rattling the insides of my brain. i somehow revel in the achy legs, blurry vision and muscle strain only because it’s a goal and i win every time. it helps my bravado. possibly do self-satisfying volunteer work. try volunteermatch.com. or try your hand at something…a hobby, a freelance opportunity, creating a blog…writing. picking up an instrument you’ve always wanted to play. read novels. just get that satisfaction back of winning at something.

3. if you haven’t made that jump to getting on a social networking site like myspace or facebook…try it. you may connect with old friends who can possibly help or at least all those hours you spend finding the right music and layout for your page will at least take your mind off of things for a bit. (ok, i can’t believe i just suggested that)

4. be patient with people. i can’t believe that i actually get mad when people try and cheer me up. they say, “it will get better,” “a lot of people are not working right now,” or “have you tried (fill in the blank…)?” and they study me with their eyes like what they’ve suggested is the answer. and bless their hearts, mostly, it will be something so basic and remedial that i’ve tried it a thousand times over. they are just trying to be sweet, so be patient and tell them what you’ve tried…and be patient. and listen. and be patient and tell them.

5. GO OUT. i’ve been blessed with kooky friends who like wine and i like wine, i even like getting into discussions about wine. GO OUT and laugh and make fun of people’s weird black and white ‘where’s waldo’ sweaters. or go to a club and practice ne-yo’s “closer” dance moves or even soulja boi. just be sure to not waste away in gloom…life is still all about living.

6. explore your passions.

7. try learning a new language. take a class.

8. strategically try and analyze what makes you happy and try to get there as if it would cost you your life. out of crazy circumstances some of the best most ingenious things happen.

9. look up travel ideas at travelchannel.com and dream up a vacation in the greek isles of mykonos.

10. if you’ve applied to a certain “genre” of jobs and nothing’s worked, try something else.

11. most importantly, find a good friend, someone who is that perfect mix of a realist and a dreamer that you can discuss your lowest moods and your successes. i am blessed, i talk to God and my special…both always seem to put a smile on my face at the end of my “sessions” and there have been many sessions.

12. worse comes to worse and you are still hurting…post it here. i can try to help.

you can be down but not…

i need to preface this by saying i’ve never had a hard life. i’ve never had to fight for my existence. i’ve never been homeless and i’ve never had to go hungry. i don’t know what it feels like to see impending death or utter poverty, face to face. and i’ve never had a major illness or a life-threatening struggle but i do know what it feels like to be alone and i’ve walked this life where hurt and isolation were my only wicked companions.

i am painfully aware of what being utterly alone feels like. i have stared at it and it has gazed upon me, and held me in its arms tightly, so tight i wasn’t able to breathe. a couple years ago my life was very different from what it is now. back then i lived an internal pain and fear and i was at an extremely low point, emotionally. i struggled to survive and paint the outward appearance that everything was fine. i’d be so distraught and so heavy some days, nights and mornings, i don’t know how i had made it to work. and sometimes the rawness of my situation made me feel like a ghost amongst people. like they were living in a separate universe than mine. their weekends were filled with shopping, movies while in envy; my existence was a furious rage and an unquenchable fear. people i had relied on in the past were gone. people around me were gone. the depth of my pain was so real i didn’t know if i was going to survive. i felt the limit of my strength with every inch of time. i felt an incessant need for change, a glimmer of hope and waited days for it to come. and often it was as elusive as the people i felt i needed. i was pushed and bruised. scared and alone, even around people, even around family. i was distressed beyond the ability to even see clearly. there’d be days when i would get up from my desk at work and go to the highest floor in my building, and i’d just look upon the moving traffic below. at times, my smile came at the passing of a bright and beautiful fluffy cloud. there’d be days when i would withdraw in a bathroom stall and pray. snapping out of my despair if i heard someone at the door. even at home, i would retreat outside and long to just lie, stretched out and dormant on a bed of chilly green grass, i daydreamed that if i’d lay there long enough, change would come…i just almost could barely take the realness and the steadiness of my hurt.

i’d look to the things that would inspire me or make me joyous but even their pleasure would easily fade. my distraught, my pain, my fear, my agony, my anxiety, my loss, my limitations, and my hurt…those were my constants.

the only thing i could do was pray. sometimes i would just say something short. maybe a sentence or two and at those times when i felt an inch away from sheer nothingness, God would provide just enough of a glimmer of light that gave me hope to continue…

my life is much different than it was. i’ve been awed at seeing some things this year that were mere dreams. i’ve traveled more than i ever thought. i’ve been to states and cities i never thought i’d see. i used to daydream of the beach and i’ve played in the atlantic twice this year. yes, i lost my job to outsourcing but i have joy. the warmth that i sought in people…is a new reality and a stronger intensity for me these days…even in my travels. even with people who should regard me as a stranger. i do not believe in putting all of my hope, faith or trust in people…i, for one, saw the downside of that and i blame no one but me…but even i have been fortunate enough to find the beauty in a close bond with someone who continues to provide unshakeable support.

so, i want you to know, it’s okay to be down and out. i’m grateful for the circumstances that brought my pain…i’d rather have experienced the emotional depth in order to write this and share with you. and i’m reminded that everybody who has ever been influential in our world was dynamic in their struggle and more importantly in their sharing because it helped move someone else along. And no matter what you may feel, you are never alone.

as to what caused my pain and turmoil, i’ll just say it was a collection of many things, many circumstances, many people all at once. it was a loved one going through an illness, it was a lot of different things. it all came crashing down around me, left me alone, cold, empty and without shelter. but after having dried off from the drenching, i can give you this part of me enough to say, keep moving.

here’s a vid pick…my friend dan s. made me the best living colour mix. since, i’ve always been in love with this song…nothingness by living colour.

homework…

my assignment is late.

see, last week i was down…like really down and depressed. i was a wild mix of confused and sad. antsy and without any foresight of a good & positive change. i was losing a fight between myself & my other self…and letting a whole lot of negativity and doom cloud my vision. i call these moments, in hindsight, “putting God in a box.” i relate this sort of ‘i feel sooo sorry for myself’ to mapping out my whole life to what i can see. during these times, i fail to see that i’m limiting all my possibilities to my own very gloomy tunnel vision without acknowledging the fact that God moves us and can move us far beyond our own wildest dreams. and that all of the negativity only holds up His progress and questions His timing.

this was me last week.

during my new job searches i felt anxious and depressed. i felt like i was looking at and applying for the same jobs that were posted by the same companies two months ago. and maybe those were the same postings from two months ago. i felt that not only was i nagging and picking on myself but that other people were too…and i didn’t allow myself to see that they were doing it because they love me and know my potential…not because they wanted to get in on the pity party. everything i had structured for myself for the week was either way late or didn’t happen.

until…the person who issued this assignment spoke to me one afternoon. feeling uncomfortable a little because i didn’t want to sound like such an incessant ‘downer’ i told them how i felt. and in the instance of that conversation that one afternoon, i felt true relief. they reminded me of my talent and of my faith…and they allowed me to pull back from my current situation and consider a bigger picture…a bigger reality at play. and like, not only did the inner beauty of this person shine through as usual, it allowed me to feel more brave and more confident. and i began to quickly think of new approaches to try, not only to make myself happy but to make them proud as well. and it brought me two weekly assignments.

one of which is this, my homework assignment which is about 39 minutes late.

thanks
(u kno whatchu mean)

what is God trying to tell me…

so…we are being released in groups from work. our HR positions have been splintered and shipped to india. the majority of my department left, only to leave a group of us to do menial tasks, at best.

my bestest bestest work bud/friend was apart of the first group. we had worked together for three years…i even trained him on his function and can remember the very first day we met and that he wore a suit and tie. we laughed about that much much later, having watched our semi-stuffy typically corporate department fall apart.

i heard from him recently. prior to his exit, i had discussed with him that i’d have my resume re-structured and after the finished product i let him see it. he wanted to copy the format to see if it would garner attention. which was fine. we had spent many many many days discussing dreams, academics, disappointments, anxiety, disdain with our environment…countless days sharing the success stories of other people who seemingly get awesome jobs and/or strokes of luck while we had felt so left behind in the process. sometimes our conversations would literally turn my stressful days into good ones. we are both guitar players and video game addicts, imeem fiends and so on…

well, as fate would have it he landed a dynamic job, for a cool company, making almost twenty thousand dollars more. the opportunities for stuff he never should have been denied were even offered in this new role. possibly contributing to the success other than copying the resume format was getting an MBA, as well after busting his arse working and going to school for years.

i say this…to say this. if that resume’s worth was to get him a job and never have any pay off value for me…the money is by far not wasted…even if it never works for me. he’s a dynamic guy who will go far and in whom i believe in…to the very core of me.

and i say this…also to say this. if my resume’s format isn’t working for me…and i have a master’s…of all the places i’ve been applying to for months on end without any gain…what is God trying to tell me?

think outside the…

there are certain phrases that i hate. for some reason the mention of them, no matter how cute or steamy the sayer…the repetition of ‘it’ drives me into a fit of helpless rage.

i, heartbreak, admit that i hate the term, “think outside the box.” for first…who the eff said i think in a box? i would like to imagine my thoughts are more circles or bright clouds…or um…in the shapes of floating leather jackets or um…barbie plastic sandle shoes. or lego blocks. or the facial frontal creative canvas of an etch-a-sketch. not a freakin box.

anyway…i’ve newly discovered a way to channel my distraughtful thoughts. oft i get locked into a frenzied mind-dance of self-doubt & defeat…but if i calm down enough to look at the issue from a whole new perspective…opportunity sprouts like a freakin newborn tree. try it sometime but the equation to equal anything requires a bit of trouble or agony…a puzzle…a problem.

for example. i am having zero luck pinning down a job in my old categories. but…i’ve learned through a bit more researching that my current position (soon to be over) coupled with a bit of my interest…a bit of my passion…equals a whole new crop of jobs to apply for.

so try this…

your issue, sprinkled with time…a new perspective…then move.

more specific??

my degree (master’s and bachelor’s) is in journalism, my professional background HR…my passion is in communications/writing…these facts open up many other possibilities i’ve never searched for…hence
technical writing (for i’ve written many procedures)
direct marketing (communication and writing again…in a corporate yet more expansive market)
public relations
advising/counseling/recruiting
i’m web saavy…
so, web marketing / research
and…
after hearing slowjams.com on the radio over the weekend…i’d love to dj an internet radio show…
and on and on…

don’t give in…just keep going.

here’s to thinking outside…you.

certain aspects just hafta suck

i finally watched ‘little miss sunshine’ at the persistence of a friend of mine. she shoved both ‘little miss sunshine’ and ‘love actually’ at me…without backing down, so i gave in.

i actually grew enormously fond of steve carell in this film…more so than him in ‘the 40 year old virgin,’ gee, i wonder why? the little girl (abigail breslin) is so freakin’ adorable and i do love the cinematography of a bright yellow vw bus moving along under a vivid blue sky. and toni collette is most definitely an underrated talent and has been for a long time. i really liked the silent pilot (paul dano)…especially when he actually decided to speak. all that said, i didn’t fall in love with the film and may be too harsh a critic on this movie and may have to watch it again sometime. i just can’t say i went crazy for it like everybody else seems to have. but one point that hit me…and is actually perfect to my state of mind today is the all familiar life/role of artists in our society. i have come to the belief that to be an effective artist certain aspects of your life just have to suck. they have to be brooding and silent. they have to be hard and grueling and emotional. they have to allow you to feel like the last person on earth with a heart/soul. they have to push you…way way down. we have to live on this brink of torture…tiptoe the line a few good times to be able to capture everything correctly. if we fast forward to all the good times, heck, if we want to fast forward to all the good times….heck…if i would have fast forwarded to all the good times, most of all that i do, artistically would never come to fruition.

so on today…while my computer is pushing out a wild montage of indie drown-down yet undersided rock gems from the likes of the cure, the long blondes, the futureheads, the killers, i say viva la pain la agony la depression. and if up to it, go do something creative…and watch it inspire somebody else. kinda strange how that works, eh?

unplanned moments

funerals suck.

it’s hard to see the end of a life. it may be a bit easy if the person has been suffering or is older, but it is harder if the person is young. in my lifetime, i have seen both scenarios. for the younger person, you are left will this jaded, angry confused feeling as you visualize the dimness of what was once their bright limitless horizon. but, in both cases…we are left.

and if you are like me, you begin to examine your own life. your victories and your defeat. and you quickly try to investigative…to fix and mend. you start asking…
could i be healthier? more well-rounded? more loving? should i relax more? eat better? travel more? play more? be less fearful? more uninhibited? more revolutionary? more demanding? more caring? should i tell them this thing that i’ve been holding back?

the truth is we can change and make adjustments but we are really never in control and nothing is really promised by changing anything. in any case, we can either still just win or lose.

we never really know our end and there’s nothing we can do about it for we had little to do with the beginning anyway. that is how miniscule we are in the whole broad landscape of time and the universe. the tiny embers of our souls probably look like collective dust from afar…and there are countless embers, points of lights, and we are still such a small percentage of energies that exist.

so what do we do? we can do our best with the tools we have been given and walk. that’s it. just walk.

after i had arrived in california, around 3 in the morning, 6am my usual eastern standard time, i found myself playing the police’s ‘message in a bottle’ horribly on guitar with my cousin grinning at my side and coaching me. i heard the fatal disharmony of a chord or so and i winced. for every random run, i fell back into musical frustration, sitting on the very edge of an otherwise comfortable couch. my playing was horrible. my cousin laughed. bottles were even thrown at the stage. luckily missing me but creating a frothy mess on a back speaker or so.

we were playing ‘guitar hero’ on playstation three. after a few more murderous renditions of rock songs, i insisted i should get some rest but found myself playing much better on rage against the machine’s ‘killing in the name.’ if you already know how to play guitar, i can’t decided if ‘guitar hero’ is friend or foe.

but it is the unplanned moments of life that bring unsound joy… (lesson one)

we traveled a bit thru the bh…beverly hills. i had never been to LA but became immediately entranced with it. well, beverly hills, of course. the higher we drove, the more breathtaking the view through gates then bushes that when peaked through gave a stunning view at a perfectly sophisticated and ritzy landscape.

we passed through streets and stared at enormous homes. we even passed a film crew parked outside of a house.

i daydreamed about living in beverly hills. i envisioned myself stumbling through my stainless steel industrial yet open and airy kitchen. passing through a hallway, decorated with small black and white photographs on a darkly yet warmly painted wall. i thought about how it would feel to pull back my massive asian styled drapes and feel the full radiance of sun come fully through. i climbed my staircase, walking past my study, past my illustriously modeled bathroom with jacuzzi, then the gym wondering if i left my fendi sunglasses in either the 2007 lamborghini gallardoor or the range rover parked outside. and inside of my fantasy i knew that if i did have all of this and had not love…i had nothing. to be rich materialistically and as far as the eye could see…but have no soul, no heart, no warmth, no one who ‘got me,’ no one to share it with, i’d then have nothing. (lesson two)

i have a lot of family in california and when we do meet it is so few and far between. but one night i found myself in the presence of another cousin of mine. a tall lanky and handsome young man…but most of my cousins fit this description.

we became engrossed in a conversation that left me awe-inspired. we talked about any topic directly tied to hot topics of discussion that can be pulled from any newspaper in the country. we talked about the war, rap/hip hop and the unfounded media scrutiny while csi and law and order glorify what music sometimes talks about, tupac (prophet?), the government, the war on drugs, imus and race. each topic became more engaging and before me sat a young man so articulate and intelligent that i felt blessed to be in his presence and quickly became excited about the man he would become. he radiated as a scholar. i reveled in this. he talked to me about how people assume he is illiterate or unintelligent by the clothes he wears and/or by the fact that he is a black. we shared ideas, hopes and he taught me a lot. he told me what to research. and when i could back up a few points and throw chase to citing a few lyrics that back up our political stances, he smiled. i live for the intimacy of minds…and ideas…and the sharing of thoughts and the building up or breaking down of conceptions in general.

we have to be so careful with our perceptions of others. if we don’t pay attention we will surely lose our humanity and all the joys that come with vast amounts of people, walks of life, stories, ideas and beliefs that exist. (lesson three)

of course, i knew all of these lessons beforehand but they were more personified collectively on this trip…this trip i clearly did not want to take.

goodbye euphoria

i don’t know what it was but i woke up with utopian-like euphoria. it was clearly a high, a bouncy, wide awake, hyper, ‘the world at my fingertips,’ swooning, kinda surreal, aliveness. a cheery almost embarrassing sing song kinda satisfaction. i mean, it could be that i’ve violated my ‘no-coffee’ rule, trying to break a history of being a morning coffee drinker…all seven days of the week…by buying a new more expensive kind of coffee that i drink every morning. it could’ve been that. it could’ve been the fact that i have a cold and that maybe only a small percentage of oxygen was getting to my brain and while i felt ‘happy’ i was just oxygen deprived. i don’t know…and it doesn’t really matter because my almost embarrassing joy quickly faded when a friend tried to get me to do something…and it marks their total disregard for me and they were cavaliering about it. and not long after a pet peeve is violated. since it is cold outside i eat my lunch at my desk. currently i’m engaged in a book by good morning america’s robin roberts. i always try and honor ‘lunch’ so if i feel it necessary to interrupt someone, i apologize heavily and only if it is necessary. i love lunch…i want others to as well. but when one really rude person comes up behind the base of my neck and blurts out a question and slides a piece of paper in my direction (this person being historically rude-just in general) while i’m eating my delicately made wrap that i’ve prepared in the wee hours of the morning for something that is not an emergency…it bothers me. no apology, no introduction…just them…talking loud. it really gets at me. but i handled it calmly and professionally (of course. i’ve learned it best to never be quickly reactionary at work). but soon after that…and then minute by minute my day faltered into a melancholy. slowly it just…fell apart. my ecstatic demeanor long gone and i’m back on earth.

although it’s great for creative rambling, i hate it when that happens. and i am listening to U2’s ‘sunday bloody sunday’ to coincide with hopeful darkness. (?)

sigh.

if i like it, i do it

because i’m a writer (prolly more because i am human) i analyze…like a lot. and i’ve discovered it is really really excruciatingly hard for me to do something if my heart isn’t in it. enter: my job search. i always feel overwhelmed and desperate. and defeated. a talk with a beantown friend…she told me i looked defeated. i didn’t want to hear it but she was right. so, to help me…to help me succeed in doing something i’ve lost heart in…i’ve devised a plan. maybe it will work for you as well.

my title above is from a jamiroquai song…from the album ‘emergency on planet earth’ and it so suits my personality. i’m a pleasure addict…i could do what i love 24 hours a day. i love the idea of moving and getting new work and a new environment…this has to be achieved for the good of me. so my heart is there…it is lacking in the process.

here’s an antidote if you feel overwhelmed:

commit to a livable goal. this blog keeps me motivated. but i will try to commit to making one job inquiry or contact every day. 30 days breaks way to 30 new leads, 30 new possibilities a month. it is minimal, hopefully some days i will do even more…but the minimum could provide promising results. so just do one thing toward your goal…one day…one thing. be happy, go for your goals…and fight complacency and that feeling of being overwhelmed. if you wanna learn the guitar, japanese and juggling. commit to each just once…every day for a manageable non-demanding span of time. or take an hour and divide it for each desire. in two months you’ll be a heckuva lot further than working on the guitar for four hours on tuesday and never again for the rest of the month.