welcome interruption

so last week i had a tuff day. i had thoroughly managed to depress myself into a continual loop of self-criticism, public (meaning ‘inner’) ridicule and nausea.

my mp3 player wasn’t charged so i had to relegate myself to the few cds i had in my bag…the cds i’d worn out and overplayed and was plain tired of. and although i still got love for cassettes/vinyl and cds…at the time, riffling thru cds made me feel old and archaic. ‘i have to touch the music?’ ‘ugh! where’s my music…that’s like invisible? invisible music angel files?’ ‘where are mine?’

i was tired of everything. tired of working and tired of hearing the same old inane office talk about dogs/cats/husbands/dinner plans. i was tired of my chair. tired of my inner-office mail. tired of my cubicle and the carpet. tired of looking up to see the same old perforated white tile. tired of my office computer. tired of shuffling papers. tired of typing. tired of writing. tired of phone calls. tired of emails. tired of problem solving and tired of projects. tired of copy/pasting crap into even more crap. tired of the same old ideas and the same old questions. tired of silence. tired of noise. tired of settling for formality. time of waiting. tired of feeling ‘average.’ tired of feeling this way. tired of thinking up/drawing up/planning solutions to fix the above. tired of thinking, in general. tired of the cold. tired of asking myself the same questions to which i have no new answers.

so this constant loop of really toxic sentiment attacked my inner soul one day last week, until i feel a tap on my shoulder.

‘walk with me upstairs,’ she said. it was one of my co-workers.

‘i’m so bored i don’t wanna move’ i replied. hoping she’d take this as a sign and walk away.

‘get off your ASS!’ she said, not smiling. and i gave in.

sweet interruption.

and it makes no difference what encounters or dialogue occupied the next and final half hour of my work day…but my crazy friend and this distraction saved me from myself.

welcome interruption.

*and just in case you are wondering…we covered presidential candidates, candy bars, and how good one of our other co-workers smells…each and EVERYday…

not one of these things solved my dilemma but it did wonders otherwise.

crackerjacks

Crackerjacks
by assata shakur

I coulda told you,
in the old days,
in the park,
or skating down some hill
what it was all about.

I coulda sat next to you
on some stairway
and gave you half my bubblegum,
and, in between the bubbles
and the giggles,
I coulda told you.

But we are grown up now.
And it is all so complicated
when you dig somebody.

Now, when i open up my crackerjacks,
I find no heart-shaped ring.
Only a puzzle
that i don’t wanna solve.

affirmation

affirmation
by assata shakur

i believe in living.
i believe in the spectrum
of Beta days and Gamma people.
i believe in sunshine.
In windmills and waterfalls,
tricycles and rocking chairs;
And i believe that seeds grow into sprouts.
And sprouts grow into trees.
i believe in the magic of the hands.
And in the wisdom of the eyes.
i believe in rain and tears.
And in the blood of infinity.

i believe in life.
And i have seen the death parade
march through the torso of the earth,
sculpting mud bodies in its path
i have seen the destruction of the daylight
and seen bloodthirsty maggots
prayed to and saluted

i have seen the kind become the blind
and the blind become the bind
in one easy lesson.
i have walked on cut grass.
i have eaten crow and blunder bread
and breathed the stench of indifference

i have been locked by the lawless.
Handcuffed by the haters.
Gagged by the greedy.
And, if i know anything at all,
it’s that a wall is just a wall
and nothing more at all.
It can be broken down.

i believe in living
i believe in birth.
i believe in the sweat of love
and in the fire of truth.

And i believe that a lost ship,
steered by tired, seasick sailors,
can still be guided home to port.

them internet shady types

can’t quite shake this thing…so if i blog about it, let it out into the atmosphere, just maybe it will fly away. and it was never really anything much…not much at all.

i’m speaking about my ‘so year…2007’ entry and the person that went away. left me with a sordid desire to not be a believer in folk so much anymore. the nothing’s promised promise…that rings true.

i’ve never really been one to believe in internet romance/dating. i mean, it feels weird to really be into someone you can’t see. i love the whole dating thing when it comes to being in that person’s presence. their space. seeing the broadness or leanness of their apartment. seeing what their dishes look like. rummaging through their record collection. watching their idiosyncrasies, remembering their smell. hearing the rise and fall in their voice. cherishing how they say my name. knowing their laugh. watching the contours of their nose move when they smile. the way they dress. the internet can’t really give that … emoticons can’t match what we as people really are. so naturally i am a little shocked that i was all into this internet thing with just some guy who approached me…textually.

i mean, he sorta had me mesmerized by his words. sentiments. his photographs. and who knows, maybe that wasn’t even him…maybe he isn’t even a guy? he could be like a fourteen year old rich kid living in malibu who has decided he’s already bored with life. or it could be a government employee monitoring certain ‘activity’ who decided to use me for her own personal amusement and weak wanton loneliness. i don’t even know.

but to take it for what it seemed to be…i think i was used. i think i was used to get another girl’s attention or vile jealousy. i probably made their love sweeter. he seemed tremendously interested in me. who doesn’t like that attention? so things were moving along…emails became longer, more ‘getting to know you’ information exchanged. he was a writer and had a poetic capture with words and such. and just as things were progressing comfortably and slowly. he said he was busy or had missed seeing my mail or…then nothing. and as far as me, i hadn’t grown more or less clingy or psycho, still cautious…waiting for the cartoon clown to pop out of my computer monitor. that’s how cautious i was. but yeah, after that…nada…nothing. he was the fluffer, i was fluffed and then left alone and ruffled. which is fine. i believe it for the best but i just wonder why me? i was totally fine having a slightly colder inbox. i was so fine being alone. why did he hafta try and mess with that a minute?

i still see his internet presence but he never ‘stops by.’ internet shady types. who needs them and why in the heck was i a believer? but it was still something. it was my intuition that told me something different. but really i just wish that he would have left me alone.

yet every time i smart off dissing the superhighway de informacion…someone tells me how they met their “one” on that same road. my coolest friends tell me they’ve tried it…but i don’t wanna do that no nothing…no more.

i love this song by the way…sure looks good to me by alicia keys

horoscope me, baby

i generally take to horoscopes kinda lightly…being that astrology is usually found on the ‘entertainment’ side of things. waiting for my salad at my favorite veggie restaurant, sitting at the window and under their neon sign, i began thumbing through the columbus alive. and there it was:

“when china’s three gorges dam family becomes fully operational in 2009, the hydroelectric power it generates will provide renewable energy to a sizeable portion of the population. a replacement for coal consumption, it will also eliminate 100 million tons of greenhouse gases. that’s the good news. the bad news is that it will require a thousand towns and villages to be permanently flooded, forcing more than a million people to leave their homes. i believe you may be faced with a comparable option in 2008. if you’re willing to deal with displacement and the loss of traditions, you will gain access to tremendous reserves of pure mojo.”

awwwww…horoscope me, baby!

also…

from yahoo.com

“you are about to come to a crossroads in your life. you should take the road that your mind tells you is the right one, not your more emotional choice. right now, your feelings are a bit too confused to be good indicators. your financial worries will soon be a thing of the past, thanks to the generosity of someone close to you. you will be given a real opportunity for career advancement, although it’s going to be contingent upon a long term commitment. there is no such thing as an easy reward.”

hmmmm…if i really don’t fully believe in horoscope-ology…nobody never said nuthin bad about positive thought.

get at me, stars…i’m ready…by the way, you shine sessy at night. i like the way you do. and yes, i am mildy off my rawker…tonight…listening to kelis’ ‘emergency’ that just was a perfect transition to ‘next levels’ by king geedorah.