declarations

30 10 2007

over the weekend i won a six pack of beer…miller. the packaging is fancy and celebratory. inside there are six bottles of beer (i don’t drink beer), a miller t-shirt, many coasters, a glass, a nice silver ice container, and a beer chiller. funny thing is, i told the person i was with that i was gonna win, before i won. sure enough, my number was called.  my prize is downstairs now, sitting on the counter.  i’m gonna have fun with it.

today though, i’ve had…well for the last few days i’ve had this feeling that something big is about to happen in my life. something i’ve been wanting and something i’ve been waiting on. something exciting and mindblowing.  but i also have the sense that it will be an adjustment and a challenge that i need.  the feeling is so intense that i almost feel alien and isolated around most of my common surroundings…but not at my home. there’s just this constant and steady anxiousness that this thing is just like, right around the corner.  and i feel ready…

i’ve felt this before and nothing has happened. i wasn’t even going to blog about it…but this is my little experiment.

wish me the best. i will keep you posted.





rage-a-licious aka we’re breaking up

24 10 2007

after the rant last night, i feel i have an obligation to expand a bit.

i really don’t hate copy machines or faxes or phones, just the overuse of them. the constant waiting on them…the amount of pause they put into our lives gets to the nerves just a bit. i love technology but sometimes the amount of importance we put on it is a bit scary.

the only thing that makes me think that i don’t have a problem and that my work environment is really weird are the friends that i have there. we share our stories and our perspectives match. the same thing that stuns one of us, stuns the other. and we shake our heads at each other and drag back to our cubicles. unless we are all effed. but i’ve worked in various other offices and this one takes the cake. really, it does. columbus takes the cake of weirdness in a lot of ways. on my way home today i saw a cacophony of overzealous people who drive like they have no respect for human life. it is really something. sometimes those of us from other areas will get together and the conversation goes like this:

“hey, where are you from?”

“california.”

“do these people drive crazy or what?”

“you wouldn’t believe what happened to me this morning.”

and then they’ll take about a minute or so to describe a scene so awful. and i’ll counter back with an equally troubling story. there’s this really undeniable mean factor about the skill. i’ve driven in different states and i’ve lived in different cities. this one has ultra unique road warriors.

the thing that separates my friends and i is that we do (most of us) have our college degrees, most of the people in our office don’t and i don’t have a problem with that. some of the most brilliant people i know have no degree and if i’d have to pick a dream team, i’d fight someone to have those non-degree having folks on my side) but i do have a problem with petty office games and silliness. and lying. and not being fair. and trying to belittle others who do have college degrees. not listening. yelling. finger snapping and the like. that is not a productive office environment. it distracts and counteracts the work at hand. i do have a problem with management that does not say ‘thank you.’ i have a problem when recognition is deflected from the person who actually completed the project.

few things satisfy me more than getting a task completed. i love helping people because it makes me feel good. it’s rewarding. when i arrive in the morning my true desire is to get stuff done. my other true desire and prayer is that things run smooth. i’m not naïve, i know that every office setting has problems. and i do believe (no fault to who i work for) that when you are passionate about what you do…the toleration level of certain things is more manageable. i am not passionate about my job and i have no one to blame but me. so i will work on me (meaning getting my a$$ out and headed toward the passion) while being the best me at work that i can be. i’d have it no other way.

that said…i’ve also found that i am part of a clique at work. bull! i hate cliques…they are soooo high school and i talk to everyone. but i’ve heard that i am a part of the ‘cool people’ clique. rubbish. my job is not cool so there’s nothing to be grouped for or against about anything there.

but what i really wanna say is that…all things considered…i’ve learned a lot here. like at the end of a really good or really bad relationship. i have a better understanding of what i want now and what i don’t want…thanks to what i don’t want.





until this…dream

24 10 2007

my dream life has been minimal at best, outside of the occasional strange randomness of ‘things’ not really worthy of analysis.

until this dream.

at first i was at a restaurant in california at a really woody, yet retro (if you can imagine) dining establishment that had a lot of levels. i was being escorted through to the balcony by a celebrity who looked nothing like the celebrity he was supposed to be. we went to the balcony and sat in wooden chairs (there’s a third person who i can’t remember) and we just looked out over trees and houses and talked a lot.

and this is where the dream recurrence sets in.

one of my work associates was talking to me. then had me in a headlock that forced me (yet very gracefully) to bend over. with the same grace they then had me on the floor and on my back. i wasn’t struggling or anything. i was just a little annoyed and extremely passive. however their face kept coming closer and closer to mine…and they were talking about something but i haven’t the slightest recollection of what they were saying. i just have this image. they are soooo close to my face that they appear a bit blurry and i can see all mouth/teeth, smiling and a bit of their nose and not really their eyes. then they begin kissing me all over my face…never on the mouth. i didn’t protest but i was really annoyed. i just laid there and didn’t struggle at all. and it like never ended, perpetual kissing until my alarm clock cried out to rescue me.

i don’t know why it is that this one person who i know in my waking life, in my dream life is always aggressively physical with me. i don’t get it. i wonder what that means in how i see them…but it is so nothing that i can see.





rage-a-licious

23 10 2007

i’ve really worn out my welcome with corporate america. i really can’t take it much longer. people say weird things and look weird and are angry and weird all the time. and on my way to work…soccer moms can be the ultimate worst. i try to numb out their reckless driving maneuver insanity with song…but it never outshines the vocal…not curse-word stained silent panic that comes from my insides…mondays are the worst days and fridays are the loudest. people are so thrilled to have a couple days away that they are practically frenzied. i can’t stand the calculating looks they give me…like they are doing multiplication tables in their heads when they talk to me. i can’t stand copy machines and fax machines and speaker phones…and loud speaker phones. i need windows that open, i promise i won’t jump. i hate air-conditioning in the winter. yes, i hate air-conditioning in the winter. and i take the steps because they keep me awake and i don’t like facing a computer screen for 8 hours straight. and i like to write with a pen and not type all the time. and i hate watching the clock…daydreaming and being so far from the dream and day i am daydreaming about. and i don’t like normality and suits all that much. and what really bothers me is when people bring their lunch in ann taylor and limited bags. get a freakin lunch bag already or a new crispy ann taylor bag and not one that looks like it is eleven years old. oh and don’t bring your leftover lo mein in a victoria’s secrets bag-just the idea of food and….eeeeey…not a good look. and i don’t like people misusing email sent to various people to cover mistakes that they later apologize to you for after they’ve shifted the blame on to you when you upheld everything on your end. and like a good chess move, you strategically have countered back emailing the same people to cover your own self…when all you did in the first place was needed, appropriate and necessary, meaning your name should have been left out of the email. and i hate those words like “pro-active” and “productivity” and i hate the term thinking “out of the box.” what freaking box? my mind is shaped more like a diamond or maybe it has a heart shape. ;)

it is hilarious when a company promises diversity and values…are those meant to be taken seriously? like are they really going to honor a different approach, especially when you’ve suggested one that no one follows and not a lame idea, but a really good one that is ‘out of the box’ and ‘pro-active’ and will yield good productivity? oh, and people who think their lives are intoxicatingly interesting who talk really loud about their dogs. and their neighbors and their lawns and their spouse and their children. what they ate over the weekend. who they were with. what they bought. what is that about? get a reality show if you are that important, everybody else who thinks they are important has one. why are there so many reality shows about people who are really…just not that important?

–the real me will return after she’s had dinner and maybe like a lot of really distracting yet tawdry and tasteless down time. oh, and yes…i know, even in my smoke haze of hatred…i am thankful that i have a job. that pays…sorta…





no excuses

14 10 2007

i go to church. not every sunday but i do go. and i’m from the mind that the heart defines the man/woman…not blind practice. not willful, meaningful…nothing. not labels…but heart.

anyway.

last sunday i learned some morsels. my church is larger than i am used to. it’s even not what my denomination is…well, was. but i’m not into denomination, either. i even used to go to catholic mass while in grad school. there are about three thousand members collectively at my current church. there are two services. i usually attend the second. and there are about fifteen hundred or so people there. a few i know…many i do not. one of the pastors i sometimes see at work…he’s a great conversationalist and works on a different floor for an entirely different company. i’ve had the joys of engaging in banter with him about all kinds of stuff.

anyway.

when i glanced down at the sermon notes, i was taken aback. i don’t know how it is that the main pastor frequently seems to speak to the very thing i happen to be struggling with. it’s odd but it’s true.

anyway.

here’s what i learned.

the topic, “following your heart: shaped to make a difference”

we are essentially 5 things:
we have

spiritual gifts (what we are gifted with)
a heart (what we love to do)
abilities (our natural abilities)
personality
and
experiences (our unique experiences that no one else in the world has)

(and before i get caught for plagiarism, i’mma do my best and tell you the rest of what i learned from my perspective)

essentially our purpose is tied to the very thing that we are good at and that which we really enjoy doing

however the devices that keep us from doing what we love are:

disappointment-it causes us to no longer live but to merely exist. we fail to realize that if we don’t succeed the first time, it just means we are human

fear-causes us to bury our talents

guilt-we cannot be guilty and pursue our dreams at the same time

bitterness-our past is the past…let it go

rejection-being perfect won’t make people like us. it is their problem and we don’t need their approval

we need to stop doing things we don’t have the heart to do

living unfulfilled will affect us physically and mentally

passion is another word for heart, and only passionate people get things done

hope deferred makes the heart sick-proverbs 13:12

stop hiding your gifts to make other people comfortable

stop apologizing for being you

lastly:

God made you to be you.
“it’s God who produces in you the desires and actions that please Him” Philippians 2:13

there you go…have a fantastic week…and literally…you now have no excuse.

just be sure to share your success story.

i’m waiting.





that wicked mix

14 10 2007

i wasn’t even gonna blog today, but i guess the wind had its way and here i am. just sharing something that had been rumbling underneath, needing air…needing to be set free. maybe like a silent prayer.

i realized something. i feel the supremacy of my friends. i am so grateful for them that if they’d all disappear today, neglect me, leave me, lose me, forget me…i could still fly, i could still float off the memories of them and our experiences together. their support. their love. and that’s an astonishing feeling. they bring that kinda fire…that enchanting, mysterious charge, that charming fluff that makes life that much more engaging. when i don’t even realize it, immediately…i’m touched later. i see this thing unfolded…yielding love. and when i do catch it…see it…i cherish it days, months, years later. i’ve been just truly blessed by them. and i am the kinda cat…that when ‘things’ didn’t work out…i can still thank God for those times…those times i still walked away with not only experience and hopefully wisdom…but still with something tangible, appreciated and lovely.

don’t get me wrong…i have been to a place where i felt like the loneliest person on the entire planet. i know what it feels like to experience coldness and a chill to life that offers no seeable escape. i know what it’s like to feel frozen, dark, crushed, bruised, battered, unloved, rejected, isolated. down, dark. a point that is the lowest of all possible lows. where there is no one. just self, sitting in a gloom of misery, no desire, no hope…i know what that is. i’ve been there. not because of a person, but only circumstance. and i’ve been to that place of pure contentment, almost a dizzying, seductive, enlightenment that contained a bit of heaven. it held a luxury of its own wealth. it was like having a super power. a feeling like standing on the tip of the tallest mountain and believing that if i had jumped just a bit to the left, the feeling would have caused me to fly.

and i’d rather have both…that wicked mix.





what i want

11 10 2007

one very loooooong dinner with shemar moore in a dimly lit restaurant at a rather small table with soft swooning music playing in the background

an unlimited shopping spree that begins at banana republic and ends at a warehouse somewhere in new york with clothes sooooo dope i’d faint

to meet angelina jolie, a celebrity i’ve had to defend more than any other celebrity ever. a close second is kanye west, i’ve had to defend him a lot too. i love angelina. she’s wickedly talented, gorgeous, exciting, mesmerizing, and compassionate. uneven and one of the rare actresses that can actually ‘go all the way’ when it comes to craft. and she actually dedicates time and money toward helping the impoverished

a house with a roller skating rink, a sauna and a movie theater

to write and direct a film

tour with a band or artist ‘cause i want to see all the world in one year

become a vegetarian

learn to speak another language fluently (i took a lot of spanish…but i really wanna know it…know it)

my motivators are city, sun and creative people…i want to be around all three for the rest of my life

a record player

want to be financially comfortable because it really does wonders for stress and opportunity

try stand-up comedy once. my favorites are chris rock, dave chappelle, aisha tyler and paul mooney. i’ve seen aisha and chris. seeing chris rock in columbus was different, i think the crowd was too conservative for him

a world that smelled of fabric softener, i looooooove fabric softener – tide with febreze (mmmmmmm!)

learn to play the piano

al gore to run for prez in ‘08

a late night free form radio show

lauryn hill to make another album

drive a car that costs over a hundred thousand dollars….what would that feel like? what does the difference feel like between twenty thousand and a hunid thou with regards to breaking and accelerating?

want dreads

say what i mean

make all those who ever dissed me 2 regret it…just a little bit

finally get to the end of ‘grand theft auto: san andreas’ on ps2 because it is the best video game ever and the soundtrack is sick. you roll thru the entire state of california with music blaring, pimping your ride, learning to swim, changing your clothes, getting tatts and funky hairstyles and ohhh, doing bad stuff…but it’s sooo fun

care about the right people and not the wrong ’cause it ends up being a lot of wasted energy

a really greasy hamburger with onions and garlic and equally greasy french fries with a tall icy cold lemonade…while still wanting to swear off red meat

my mate for life to be a helluva cook, cause i am not

learn learn learn from my mistakes (for crying out loud!)





get gone

11 10 2007

i had to cut a manila sheet of paper the other day. and was captivated by the small swirls left in a small sparse pile against a complimentary gray desktop. my trash became art…for longer than it should have.

songs define me. it is almost as if i can float in between them…the rhythms, the melodic voices and find…me.

so, i’m dramatic, restless, distracted and emotional.

i also think it’s the time of year i like to withdraw and become more into self…expression…spiritually and artistically. maybe it’s the awakening of the writer in me who’d rather create and stay warm than go outside to play…and freeze. i’m beginning to magnify everything. and my new found epiphany is that i could write for the rest of my life and be surreally content. of course for the rest of my life, with a funky counterpart, a nice comfy house, a sick movie and music collection and like-minded good friends.

but i gotta be careful daydreamin so much. i scooped up the manila swirls and put them in the wastepaper basket. only to turn around to see a flat table sculpture i had made earlier from silver pieces of a paper clips i had twisted off.

what am i gonna do with me? i need to ‘do me’ or a vacation.

vacation, perhaps?

i did a mindless indulgent quick therapeutic search on the travel channel’s web site. I went to the ‘travel ideas’ section, specifically looking for luxury vacation suggestions. my top 6 choices.

- eilean shona, scotland

- mykonos, greece

- capri, italy

- tahiti, french polynesia

- the seychelles

- saint vincent and the grenadines

i’ll be sure to scan through a post card.





someone may be watching

11 10 2007

one of my work friends is leaving and i will miss her sooooooo much. in honor of her, i will share this story…and also because you never know when someone may be watching.

her eyes were wild. ‘i had a dream about that guy in the other department,’ she said. and by her expression, i could tell what kind of dream. it was sooo obvi it was a dirty sexy kinda dream. after she relayed the undulating and wicked details, we laughed and made up a name for him. weeks following, she or i, or both of us would see him randomly about the building. and if we were both near him, she would become still like a mannequin. let’s say we named him ‘gil.’ she would not even look at him. it was like she was scared. and all this is going on while she is heavy in a relationship with someone else. and this guy, gil, is totally oblivious to these two crazy girls…watching.

she also began to have other dreams about him. and in real life, small run-ins. she’d tell me in complex yet specific detail and it was often humorous obviously amorous and helped paint up the dull confines of stale corporate america.

‘he touched my waist,’ she said one day. ‘what?!?’ i asked. ‘i ran right into him. i must have been looking down. he touched my waist and asked if i was okay.’ ‘how did he smell?’ i asked. imagining a nice masculine dash of cologne that lingers and haunts long long after such encounters. she began to blush. ‘maybe he’s your soulmate,’ i said. ‘no, it’s only because of the dream that i feel this way,’ she’d always answer.

not long after that, she dropped her change in the break room and he was there to help her pick it up. ‘it was like we were in a movie. we were bending down and our eyes met. and he rips my clothes off.’ she blushed and her eyes glazed over. she laughed and when she did i think it snapped her out of her walking dream fantasy sex-capade. i knew somehow she wanted this film to be a real time sequence.

gil had survived as the resident hot guy for two years. even though we had a brief close second.

he was a temp and worked in our department. i was responsible for training him and we clicked instantly. he was south african, and a soccer player with reddish hair and overly steamy hot. but tragically a bad guy…he told me so. and because of the way he looked, i knew it to be true. he happened to pay me a lot of attention. he’d dance for me. and we’d exchange our music mixes. we even had rap battles on sticky notes. his were always rip-offs from other songs and mine were original. i even have one of his sticky notes in my cubicle to this day. it says, “get it together.” red ink…go figure. we even discovered that he played tennis by my house, even though i never saw him there. but as most good things, he wasn’t there long. and i don’t think my department, which is 95 percent female liked the idea of the amount of attention he gave me. but she, my friend, even had a dream about him…yes, a dream…that kind of dream. but she claims gil was waaay more affectionate.

‘gil’ and the encounters became our fascination. we even discussed his possible lasik surgery because he stopped wearing his super sexy black rimmed glasses. we spent countless work time contemplating if he wore briefs or boxers, was an ‘innie’ or an ‘outie.’ ‘i think he has a hairy butt,’ she said. and i’d grimace slightly at the visual.

it even began to wear me down. one morning i was looking out over the highway, some four stories up in someone else’s break room and on another floor entirely, as i often do in the mornings. i see gil get out of his car carrying a duffle bag. sometimes he would hold the door for me or would speak. but at one point i even tried small talk at the microwave. he was alright. all the while, my retinas taking in as much as they could hold so i could relate the story some time later to the woman who really really wanted to know. he did have an understated sexiness. contrary to a ring he’d sometimes wear, we even pegged him for being slightly sexually frustrated. and of course, we’d giggle.

after the weather got warmer, we’d sit outside. and one day just happened to see gil running by in red shorts and sunglasses, ipod, white t-shirt. focused.

we joked there was an imaginary extra floor on top of our building where they, my friend and gil…did stuff, very bad stuff. all the while, she being in a very very very committed relationship with someone who would probably not appreciate any of this. i think some office environments yield a certain amount of silliness and perversity.

at times we catch gil jogging. and my friend is so ‘taken’ with him, she won’t even watch…but i watch like an oogling thirteen year old girl. he has very nice legs.

so with her leaving, the assignment is to find a name for the face. his real name. and i’ve challenged her to at least talk to him. just passing conversation. she’ll probably never see this guy again. and boy, do we all have a past together, unbeknownst to the man who started it all.

so…just be sure that you never know who is watching…





race conscious pt 3-and ya don’t stop

11 10 2007

all was well in the racially confusing land of samantha, until some days ago. some days ago. some days…

we were all talking about stuff. samantha then again interjects utterings of more uneven racial weirdness.

‘so yeah, my supervisor said let me know if we get too loud, and i told her, let me know if my radio is too loud. and i was thinking, i KNOW you don’t listen to what i listen to [which is country music]’

for crying out loud, how could she assume her supervisor did not listen to country music. is it because her supervisor happens to be black? why make one’s race a directive to what music they listen to. i, for one, on any given day can listen to scarface to the smiths to the smashing pumpkins to the white stripes and round it up with an old j. lo joint. i mean, come the freak on. and there’s other things i don’t care to admit that have gone on…terms ‘hood rat’ and again with the ghetto. and i’m tired of it and am not interested in being anyone’s karate kid mr. racial miyagi, “danielson, in this case, samanthason, to not make an a$$ out of yourself one must make a conscious effort to not assume but to self-educate. never judge by looks. wax on, wax off. paint my barn.”

it’s stoopid.

i know all that stuff i said about giving chances and this and that…but seriously, i’m out. i’m done. no no no no more.

i could peacefully challenge but i don’t have the strength.