down here in…

rented/watched a movie i had purposely stayed away from renting. ‘the last kiss’

which was surprisingly good. and why do i have a new thing for christian eric olsen (he’s such a bad guy in this flick)? (is he related to those twinzos?). and i didn’t know how i felt about zach braff because i didn’t like ‘garden state’ at all. but he brings this kind of charming post-grunge intellectual common man, new intellect to ‘the last kiss.’ anyway. the film was interesting because it tied into a relationship topic i had last week about how pleasant relationships can be…until we bring our mess. then in comes the drama…when we could just be having fun. why do we do that?? and is it okay to cheat? to get it out of our lusty systems…and if our relationship still works…it was just meant to be? no…i’m sure it’s just hollywood doin’ that fairy tale thing again.

brings me to a video pick…a steamy video pick…ties in again and again.

van hunt (a re-post ‘cause the song is killer). it’s ‘down here in hell’

trabajar

there’s a seedy phenomena going on. wherever i’ve worked, i’ve noticed that the people who get up and out and move on to bigger and better things are the people that just don’t do right. and the people that stay and complain and try to leave are the ones who always try to do right. i’ve worked with people who sit at their desks and in front of their computers and have their college books on their laps beneath to study. i’ve had people ask me to proofread ions of pages for assignments on their work desktop computers. i’ve seen people map out vacations. i’ve seen plane tickets. i see people searching for jobs, reading massive articles, watching movies. some are studying for their next big move…others openly search for other employment. and you know what? they move on. a few weeks down the line we’ll get an email that says crap like, “it is with extreme sadness that ( name ) will be leaving the company to pursue another opportunity.”ain’t that a b*tch? nope. it really isn’t…their grind works. whatever that bad stuff is they are doing…works.

they are my heroes.

the nerd folk bust arse to act ‘right’ or ‘ak’ right…as i like to say, and they send out a trillion resumes and never hear as little as a peep from a prospective employer. they wear about fifty phones around their belt (not a one rings…ever) and show up on time…and nothing. the same miserable soul you see december 2007 saying things’ll be different in july 2008. nope. they’ll be there in august.

but i bet the next time i as much type out careerbuil…in my company’s browser, i’m out like as if i were in the ring with tyson.

but i also bet whatever shoes you’re wearin…i’m gonna try.

this will be my experiment.

i’ll letcha know how it goes.
(i am so in a mischevious mood right now…i’ll go to bed…wake up…and forget all about this. i will be on time and do my work…you know…the good always wins in the end. furreal ya’ll)

(i know i’m crazy, just don’t tell me to my face)

summer heart

this is a hard time for me.

i’m a child addicted to sun and warmth and light. for these things bring me my finest joys.

the night sky
open windows
water/ocean/beaches/lake fronts (esp. in chicago)
lemonade
outdoor concerts
walking at night against the movement of others
long nights
the whole ‘less is more’ thing as opposed to bundling up
the smell of summer rain
vacation…vacation…vacation

and i could go on & on & on

i’ve been harboring over these john mayer lyrics from the song ’something’s missing’:

“when autumn comes, it doesn’t ask
it just walks in where it left you left
you never know when it starts
until there’s fog inside the glass around your summer heart”

true words.

today was rainy and cold and it’s getting darker earlier and every inch of me wants to run…south…or west…and that’d simply be way to much running. so, i’ll deal as i’ve always done being a midwester, dreamer of ‘other’ places (far, far away).

send warm thoughts to me…if not directly, mentally. i’ll get them.

here’s john (in full)…cause it’s a great song.

this girl’s (dream) life

i’ve had an eclectic yet strange amount of dreams over the last couple of weeks. and i’ve cultivated the seemingly perfect menu for them. going to bed earlier, resisting wine (even though i just picked up a new bottle of a special order import from italy, the brand is piedmonte. it is from a small indie store and before you say anything i am not a wine aficionado. i know nothing but taste. meaning what tastes good to me. so all you ‘sideways’ people…pass me some side references and i’ll test it out), resisting chocolate, not drinking caffeine at bedtime and being sure to complete any activity that would render me uselessly exhausted at night. following these simple guidelines have garnered a massive amount of heavily constructed, hard to follow dreams…about chocolate, chocolate drinks, a man getting into my bag and identifying himself as someone i could never escape from, a girl rambling about high paying home construction job opportunities in australia, a weird jousting a la star wars tournament, huge pictures of me and other unknown people projected on a screen at a huge movie theatre, outdoor grilling, my dog getting sick then recovering and telling me that he was fine, talking to a friend in a room that has a door yet an open ceiling with huge trees…and this was all in one night. i’ve had so many weird dreams that i’ve not bothered to investigate them, i want to forget them and it would take too long. but i might still…soon.

so, if you want to enhance your dream life, follow the guidelines. maybe it will allow a better peak into your psyche, but if your dreams then inspire you to kill somebody, break up a marriage, slap someone, do a little dance on the edge of a high building, opt you to try and be the best ‘real life’ superman or superwoman, lead an underground high tech super mafia group, try an illegal maneuver that could result in death, destruction and/or jail time. alcohol or drug abuse, lewd appetitic cravings for… (i made that word up, yes) for you or anybody, reverse all of the guidelines and live a good life.

but i’m just saying…

for all the writers about…dreams can also be used for excellent creative writing exercises.

here’s my heavily unedited result.

black bag.

he reached in. and i began
to get a bit nervous. he had me.
and he had my bag.

the seats were tight. the crowd sparse.
he turned to me. in a dark suit, fumbling
around with the latch.
don’t panic. remain calm.
i told myself. be strong.

then images like life, like places. like an answer.
detailed where i had never been.
with friends i never had. me in places i’ve never known.
strewn out like a multimedia tapestry.
rotating pictures. my rotating face.
my face fully looking at me. my face.
smiling.

i will always find you he says. still with my bag.
showing me his picture.

i can feel his eyes on me, judging studying. wanting?
i face forward.
so uncomfortable i am still.

(actually this is a horrible, first time go but you get the idea)
–

an article on dreams…
the link: http://www.dream-analysis.com/dreams/

An Introduction to Dream Interpretation
by Michael Sheridan

Last night, as you slept, you entered the world of dreams. This world is sometimes magical, at other times horrifying, yet each night you return there probably four or five times. Each of us does this and we cannot stop ourselves from crossing the threshold into this world. Why? Is there a purpose to your dreams? Of the more than 2,000 dreams you will have this year are any of them meaningful? The answer is yes, all of them, and learning to interpret them will help you change your life for the better.

Take John, for example, who dreamt that Van Morrison was sitting on the floor holding a pint of Guinness in his hand and arguing with his wife. In reality John and his wife were having an ongoing conflict. With the help of dream analysis John learned that he was holding onto a black and white attitude (holding the black and white Guinness) which he had picked up from watching his own parents (adults in the dream) deal with conflict in his childhood (when John used to sit on the floor). John listened to his dream and made positive changes that helped resolve the conflict.

Dream Analysis is not new, but in our ‘Western’ pursuit of science has been forgotten or overlooked by many. As far back as the Old Testament, Joseph showed us that dreams contain important messages. Native American cultures hold dreams in high regard as messages from the spirit world. For the Irish, Saint Patrick admitted he was told to come to Ireland in a dream. We also find Shakespeare accepting that dreams could be used to warn Julius Caesar of his murder.
So what are dreams? Dreams are the language of the Soul. Through dreams the soul comments on all aspects of our lives such as health, relationships, career and spirituality.

Health dreams have benefits that cannot be over exaggerated. We know that heart related illness is the leading cause of death in Western Culture. However, each person who dies of this would have had thousands of dreams alerting them of their fatal condition. There is no such thing as a sudden heart attack or stroke. Dreams provide an early warning system for these and other health problems in time for action to be taken.

You will discover that dreams almost always link physical conditions to events that happened earlier in life. These events are often the trigger or cause of a condition and need to be dealt with to remove the threat. Appropriate techniques for doing this will be explained as your dreams are interpreted.

Relationship advice from a reliable source is always useful and you can’t get better advice than from your dreams. Your dreams will tell you if you are moving too fast in a new relationship, if you are attentive to your partner’s feelings and your own. Dreams will also tell you if you’re heading for trouble and what you need to do about it.

Careers are always tricky. Your dreams help here by telling you when it is right to apply for a promotion and when others are working against you to block your path. If you are in the wrong career your dreams will tell you when it is time to move on and what path to follow.
Spirituality is expression of the soul and includes art, literature, poetry, music and meditation. It also includes spiritual gifts such as channelling, counselling, spiritual healing, absent healing, psychic ability, hypnotism and more. Each of these will be explained in this newsletter. If you already work in the spiritual field your dreams will tell you if you are on the right path and help you sharpen your abilities. If you are considering moving into this field your dreams will tell you exactly what you need to do.

For many, the idea of spiritual gifts seems alien. To understand them you need to discard the idea that you are a body with a soul. You don’t have a soul – you ARE a soul and you have a body. You are a soul, which temporarily has a body. The body will eventually die but you (the soul or spirit) will live on. This change of perspective will help you enormously to open your mind. The ability to talk with spirits, for example, rather than being supernatural, is natural since that is what you first and foremost are – a spirit. Once explained properly, you’ll see the benefits of each particular spiritual gift. You’ll learn the difference between gifts, how to recognize them in dreams and how to develop them.

The Key to a healthy, happy and successful life is handed to you many times each night. The choice is yours to turn the key and open the door onto a bright New World full of the magic that children see. Nobody can stop dreaming. It is as vital to us as our heartbeat. Tonight, within minutes of falling asleep you’ll find yourself back at the door to this mystical world. What will you learn this time on the other side of the threshold?

race conscious pt 2

i’ve discovered i have a bad blog habit of starting topics and not looping in their closure. here’s an update about samantha and her comments that made me feel hyper-sensitive if only for a short time about my race. the simple fact that a stranger would wanna go ‘there’ was disconcerting.

so i’ll call this post…race conscious pt 2 aka i really don’t wanna be a prick

the racial banter had still left me with a bit of tainted fury. i still had animosity and i felt it was well-deserved. the cooler someone seems the harder the hit.

my other self…my alter ego started dialoging with me like this:

‘dreamer! wake up! not everybody thinks like you’

‘really what she said wasn’t all that bad’

‘well maybe she didn’t understand how you would interpret what she said’

‘why do you care anyway? her uncouthness and movie line quote…let her dance in her own racial single-minded misery’

‘she’s young, she didn’t know’

‘she’s white, she didn’t know. she didn’t even think about it’

‘everybody knows not to discuss race and religion in public. she should not have gone there’

‘make her watch ‘jungle fever’ and dig out an old tupac mix tape’

‘find old releases of that old fx show produced by ice cube called ‘black and white’ where a white family and a black family had to literally switch their racial appearance. and the whole series turned into a highly psychological depressing yet informative study’

needless to say, in the verbal haze, i carved out my own stratagem.

i decided that because i am a far cry from a perfect person, i shouldn’t expect anyone else to be…perfect. flawless. and that in my own life i’ve been given a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th chance as well as many more additional chances.

the best way to influence a better racial understanding is to allow her to be her and me to be me. but to also refuse to be a prick with an attitude about something that no one knows but me. and maybe through the observance of that, the perspective will change. maybe through learning me she and i will become more conscious of what we say to who and when.

if we don’t try to analyze what intimidates us, or scares us. if we don’t question what bothers us, or what we don’t understand, we just will not grow. our lives are diminished and we lose out on the richness that people have to offer regardless of race, regardless of gender, class, and so on.

so today we took a trek to the other building. three of us. we were talking about the news and samantha said she actually wanted go protest for the jena 6.

who would have thought?

http://freethejena6.org

kicking my own arse

lately i’ve been kicking my own arse. i’ve been hella hella sore. i mean i feel like one of the creatures from michael jackson’s ‘thriller’ video. eerily creeping from one place to another. nodding the head a bit, only half-way to order coffee or watch tv. i practically roll out of bed, leaning a bit. then the heavy lifting. the pain. i’ve done this to myself for the purpose of…well, it’s a mission. physically, it’s a new work out regime that is a bit devastating, hard and unmerciful. but it does work wonders for getting a good night’s sleep. it’s daunting and for the first couple of weeks i’ve not wanted to move much at all. the last time i felt this way was track training in high school.

before i began, i did do a bit of research because there are specific results i want.

mentally, it’s a good struggle. a personal struggle. because of varying levels of frustrations with things i can’t change, this is something that i can win all by myself because when i’m sorely convinced i can’t go a step further, somehow, i make it. i’ve learned to mentally fight harder against all odds and logic.

i can already tell the difference in the way my body feels stronger. i feel i even walk…stronger. i stand taller. i feel better. i feel good. with every moving ache of arms and legs, i know i’ve been through a good fight to build a better me. and that in and of itself feels really nice.

i somehow find endurance when i feel there is just not a thing left to carry me. and all it requires is a crazy soundtrack and ground and will. (and prayers like, “God please help me get through this. i know the benefit is good but i don’t think i can do this) i always end up “doing it.”

i’m not writing this to impress. i’m not a freakin elitist. i’m writing it to give me motivation to continue and my cousin in chicago is a marathon runner slash inspiration slash radio dj who is also a vegetarian…maybe i wanna be more like him.

and…

all this high velocity training makes sugar taste that much better.

my new job

i’m a bit frustrated. somehow i’ve become a dating guru. unwittingly. you’d be surprised at how often i’m approached and inundated about seemingly sweet or deceptively crude yet questionably romantic behavior. dating questions. i’m not even sure how it happened. i am asked a heckuva lot and i try and front like i know what the crap i’m talking about. i should almost charge. i’m asked to read text messages from lovers to lovers, i’ve been asked to decipher the frequency of texts sent in a day, and i’ve read emails and have been shown pictures for the sake of commenting on someone’s sanity. i feel like a freakin’ dating counselor. you’d think people would actually call up someone who was wiser than i about the woeful wiles of young and old love.so i sit there, partly for free entertainment and listen. i nod, i smile. i’d actually fully enjoy it if i didn’t have a lot of other stuff to do in my own freaking life.

but mostly after they’ve successfully released the stuff they wanted to get my thoughts on. and after i am asked about tons of scenarios, shown messages that are about ‘last night’ and after i’ve thought about it and given some sort of slightly cohesive mend. they walk away…seemingly satisfied. ‘thank you,’ they say. and i smile. inwardly jealous.

and i sorta sit there in the aftermath…of a lusty love haze of smoke. and i wanna like, kick stuff. i need someone too to ramble about to someone. i want a sickening amount of text messages more than my phone could ever hold, i want to find IMs on my work computer at a strange time when the ‘mystery’ someone knows i’ve not yet arrived for work. i want that…dayum! double dayum!!

i mean, i get a little side of this and that and recently a lusty lusty email from someone that i ponder the sanity of the author. i want more! i don’t want the job as a counselor/matchmaker no more…no more…no more. and i say this until i turn around and someone’s holding a large coffee and asking me about a ‘he’ or a ‘she’ and oh, “what are you doing this weekend, guess what?’

*actually i like it. who am i kidding?

emmy’s exclusive

i have been known to be an awards show hound. i love ‘em. the mtv awards, the oscars, the emmy’s, the vibe awards, the naacp awards, the people’s choice awards, the grammy’s, the espy’s, the golden globes, billboard awards, american music awards, and on and on.my biggest year was a few years back when i was invited to an academy awards party in pittsburgh. held by a good friend of mine. i actually won that year. my ballot was most correct, but i forget what i won. the sheer exhilaration of having it all (not all) right in hollywood from my predictions was the greatest gift. the bragging rights…priceless.anyway, i was watching the emmy’s this year and i’m not really obsessed with race but…i watched this show and there was such a commonality to the crowd, i wondered where diversity of cultures went in hollywood.

that being said, i know true art has no color the art speaks for itself. it’s human thread.

however. there was such a lack of representation for various ethnicities. i’m not saying the show needed to look like a stadium filled ad for benetton or anything but c’mon.

now people will argue, ‘why does it matter?’ and ‘well that’s why you have the naacp awards, the bet awards, etc.’ and yeah, okay. we should have those awards, the latin awards, and so on, but as far as the academy awards, the emmy’s, where are all the ethnic folk in hollywood and why aren’t they working on emmy nominated shows?

i have always fantasized about working in film. if i looked to the people who comprise the emmy’s and oscar’s…i would think it was a closed country club…only opening its doors for the likes of denzel and halle…and vanessa and america, who are all tremendous talents…but where the other folk at? are they not good enough?

better yet, sandra oh (‘grey’s anatomy’) so deserved a win.

Antilamentation

Antilamentation
By Dorianne Laux

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don’t regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the livingroom couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You’ve walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don’t bother remembering
any of it. Let’s stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

****i wish i woulda wrote this. a poem from my poem supplier.

race conscious

my lunch time…monday thru friday is my time. it’s my zen time. it’s when i go into an optic and mental trance. that is the time i must leave the cold air-conditioned confines of my office and find an outside breeze. i’ll take my little purple lunch bag and a book, magazine or the paper and chill. expand my mind somewhere far away from the cold cruel monotony of my workspace. it’s my recess, it’s where all my brain minions frolic and dance about wearing yellow flowing dresses with daisies in hand. and one little minion will pick up a guitar and go into kick arse cover tunes doing some jay-z or alana davis or even an old cat stevens tune. my alone time. it’s as needed as the air i live on.today however, i was invited out to lunch by my partner in crime. she had invited me and a newer co-worker of ours. we’ll call her samantha. but first, my partner in crime. she’s like…well, we’re cohorts. usually if you see one of us, you’ll see the other. we’ve known each other for about two years and we can talk about anything. things that have clearly violated our company’s sexual harassment policy and things as minute as gossip and reality tv shows. we can go from our heated disagreement about angelina jolie (i am team jolie) to presidential candidates and the war. we can go from personal to political in 2 seconds flat. we can laugh, we can disagree and when we do disagree, we usually end up laughing about it. she’s a fly little fashionista and she makes me listen to her mp3 player, which is a wicked mix of the killers, keyshia cole, country music and 50 cent. i’d essentially like to call her my ‘nigga’ and contrary to what people may think, i use that word for all the races. i don’t really mind that. but to set the record straight, she is white, blond, blue eyes and very very crazy. yet she’s a mom, and is married and is very very crazy.

the other girl, samantha is cool too. she’s more of my height, which is rare and she’s a bright, english major. she’s funny and sarcastic and generally a cool chick to talk to.

so i agree to go. they decided upon a pizza joint because according to the legend “the cute boys go there for lunch.” let it be known, the food was great…cute boys were few and far between. so i point out one guy. i say, (to make them feel better), “that guy’s not bad.” and samantha says, “he’s ghetto.” okay. i saw nothing ‘ghetto’ about this white guy with a goatee. so i asked her why and she threw the answer to an area of town in another city and said that i’d have to know the area to find out what she was talking about. she also said she had done the “ghetto” thing before. (strike one)

then samantha proceeds to tell us about a movie she saw and how hilarious it was. “oh my gosh, it was so funny.” she said. and decided to talk about a scene where someone is saying something about “it’s negro day” and on “negro day there’s a dance.” (strike two) in the film, michelle pfeiffer then says “that’s not good, it’s not the ‘white’ or right thing to do.” and i mean this girl is reciting this as if it were ingenious. and samantha is saying, “it was soooo funny. i can’t believe they said that.” (strike three)

at that moment, i felt extremely conscious of my race. and isolated. a black girl sitting beside one white girl and across from another. and someone that i thought was cool has said something that is firstly not funny and to me is not a wise thing to say because she nor i know each other very well. few times in my life have i felt that steely, stillness of isolation because of my race toward a person sitting a foot from me. and a big part of it has to do with the fact that i had thought this girl was alright. my cohort and i can discuss race down to the bones of it and agree (so far). maybe i took that for granted. after the scene synopsis, even my cohort seemed unimpressed and a bit stilted. oh, the film was the new “hairspray” movie.

the least race conscious i’ve ever felt was as a student in boston, massachusetts, where most everyone i knew was dating someone of a different race, even i. and the most conscious of my skin, i’ve felt in ohio. i can remember walking home from school one day, i think i was in middle school and hearing someone yell, “nigger” from a passing car. unfortunately for them, because of the way i was raised, that word did no harm to me or my agenda to try and love other people whatever complexion they may have.

man, will we ever change?

songs played during my rant.
cat stevens>where do the children play
cat stevens>wild world
cece peniston>keep on walking
chaka khan>ain’t nobody
das efx>they want fx
and
dave matthews band>two step
dwele>hold on
superheros>esthero