coming soon…

coming soon… the “its347pmwelcometoheartbreak” interview.it’s all you want to know and maybe just a little more.

interview subject: me.

 

interviewer: some crazy chick (and i do say it say it with love).

any questions?

albatross

this was issued to me as a poetry challenge.  at the time i didn’t know what i was writing…but i’m growing to like it.

albatross

by heartbreak

by the oceans i stand.

said, i stand.

arms. glide. arms.

glide.

an albatross measures up my stance

and moves on by.

my pious mind, on rewind thinking that

by the trains i stand. or stood.

trains. until falling through the turnstile

grabbing the sleeve to your coat.

i stand. i was trying to catch up.

you stood, smiling, waiting

for me.

riding the train to get there.

to get to where we already were.

or stood.

the ride was twisted and the undulating

thumps and turns made us rise then land.

i have these images.

i have them, transfixed. like,

iron-on patches, holding to my chest.

readable, exposed, somewhat like a word tee.

making my private thoughts, personal and political.

me, feeling like a whore, knowing all yet wanting more.

a perfect dichotomy, hiding in details yet overall wanting to be seen.

in my own personal journal i crave more

images but can’t see anything. anything

at all.

city life has brought me to a little frail

gingerbread house by water. it gets damp on days like this.

a proper place for a girl and a pen. because write, by the oceans.

that is where i stand.

copyright:takethesewerds4nerds.

—-

Whore

Gingerbread

Turnstile

Proper

Crave

Dichotomy

Personal

Twisted

Undulating

Pious

Albatross

Transfixed

some girls have all the dreams

i have a friend whose life (meaning dream life) i sorta envy. she’s hysterical regardless of this but also has the wildest hottest dreams ever.here’s my attempt to shamefully plug my own darn self. but i can never measure up. i mean she has the sickest (meaning dirtiest celeb dreams you’d ever wanna hear with a wild array of celebs, leonardo dicaprio, andre 3000 to name a few). and she always manages to actually run into and touch hot guys at work. the bad thing is that she has a man. so this email is my email to her and my attempt to be fly. but it just don’t work. i want fun dreams!!! darnit!

Subject: FW: why?
Date: Fri, 8 Jun 2007 12:59:53 -0400
i was coming out of the doorway to the stairwell and oddly touched
the fingertips of a guy’s who was coming the opposite way. i mean,
it was almost a wishful lingering touch of tips. we even touched
before we saw each other. why do i somehow feel dirty??and why is it that whatever i do, it never amounts to the a-list
celeb dreams/sky lab dreams and full body massage run ins
that you have?i don’t understand.

two topics.
arse
question mark

-me
- – - -

aye. sigh.

my heart hurts

i’m not usually a person who goes around saying that life sucks but occurrences as of late…well, i’m also feeling very guarded about it all, not even wanting to blog about it but the off chance it may help someone makes it worth posting..i’ve been out of it lately. just kinda existing through a heavy haze of uncertainty and sorrow. down and contemplative. figuring and fumbling. yet trying to be strong to help keep strong those around me who may be looking to me for strength. and sometimes it helps to get those concerned calls from friends, or random calls from friends, emails and messages, but it still doesn’t cure the ache.

weeks ago, i blogged about wanting to find myself…find myself in another place, another geographic location, to find a purpose or a rebirth…i was envisioning a café in spain, or a trip to LA, a show in brazil, or possibly catching something off-broadway, or perhaps an afternoon on a beach. but days after that post, i found myself driving through chicago to wisconsin. my aunt had passed away. and on the way we got a call from california that my grandfather who has lung cancer was told he has only six months to live. and after we got back from wisconsin, a night or two later, there was yet another call around midnight that the hospital had called our family who reside in the southern part of ohio because my uncle was having complications from the house fire he was in. the next morning we learned that he passed away. in the past two weeks, i’ve attended two funerals and i’m trying to deal with it. i’ve never been comfortable with death & dying. the mere mention makes me shiver, even though the old episodes of ‘six feet under’ should have prepared me…it didn’t. lol. anyway, the latter was the hardest to take because my uncle was a strong vibrant guy. whatever new technology came out, he was on it. he had the best bike, the best cameras, and the best stereo equipment. his son and i are cousins, yes, but we have a special bond and it came about when we were small kids and we used to reenact scenes from movies over cereal. what i cherish about my uncle was that…and he will never know this because i never got to tell him, is that he was such a good father to his children. and just by hanging around him, i actually got to see a true and functional interracial relationship. thank God, because it took away the allure…because, people are just people, underneath this skin that we have is the same flurry of emotions and baggage and emotions, and the right mix of them makes love last. and i’ve grown up with that philosophy, that is how i was raised. but actually seeing it by being among it, enlightened me even more. his funeral was a tremendously emotional one for me. and if i think about it hard enough, it is almost paralyzing. and i question its reality.

the other funeral, my aunt’s was hard. but she lived a sort of servant life and was heavy into ministering to people. she has a wonderful group of children and i see her special light in them. she lived such an elevated life. she was almost just like an angel on earth.

so i’m left here…dealing. and i’ve decided the best i can do is learn from these events and let them enrich my own living and life walk. more than usual i feel it necessary to protect my partnerships, my friends and to try and be a better person to them because who knows what tomorrow may bring. and all the crap that we hate each other for…i mean, is it really that important that you would let it be the last thing someone thinks about you?

*side note: there are still questions surrounding my uncle’s death. a week after he was admitted, he was recovering nicely. and then his death came suddenly. some of my family believes that he was over medicated since he was healing so well. and it’s the way that he died that has them questioning. this could start a whole blog about a whole lot of things but i won’t get into it tonight. if you ever have the misfortune of having an ill love one…i’ll just offer to you…question question question…and research.

an even shorter side note…a friend of mine’s mother had cancer and after doing internet research suggested a better treatment to a surprising doctor…hmmm…does that mean they’ll get part of the doctor’s salary? they should.

i need to become an a$$

let me paint the scenario.

location:
typical office setting, thursday morning, my job.

co-worker: hey!
(because there are two people in the copy room, i look over but say nothing)
co-worker: are you with us?
(i am immediately ticked by this)
me: yeah, but i didn’t know if you were talking to me or him.
co-worker: if you come across this form (a government document i’ve already become familiar with) it goes to the coordinator.
me: yes, when i get them i always give them to the coordinator.
co-worker: it’s something new and i’ve just told (naming other people on my team) that if they get one to give it to the coordinator.
(at this point i should have remained silent and continued what i had been working on)
me: when i got one a few weeks ago, i took it to (a girl who is a coordinator for the document) and i was like, “who gets this?” and she was like, “i do.” so i gave it to her.
co-worker: so, when you get these, just give them to the coordinator. these forms are a hassle. so they go to the coordinator.
me: as normal.
co-worker: (walking out of the room) something new.

and cut.

(isn’t this a scene from ‘office space’ or something?)

if i was an a$$, i could’ve said,
“look chick, i’m underpaid, i have two degrees, an ms and a bs, i do not have a medical degree but i’m wondering if you should get your ears checked. this crap that you’re talking about, i figured it out way before you had your meeting about it this morning. and don’t try and insult my intelligence ‘cause you’re trapped in a job you hate. i’m sorry about it, i feel your pain but it gives you no effin right to treat me like an idiot. so i suggest you go sit down in your little cubicle, maybe go down to the café and buy a gatorade and a pint of ice cream and leave me the eff alone.”

i don’t even know where this comes from, i’m an unassuming hardworker who minds her own business. i don’t boast i don’t brag…i just aim to come in, do the work and leave. and people even find a way to have a problem with that. sometimes it pays to be an a$$.

*side note: i know i’ve made mention of a copy room before…but my job is more elevated than that…hahaha…well, just in case you were wondering. i ain’t no slackerlozertype.

it’s funny how that stock market deflates

it’s funny how current and past friends kinda surface to the memory now and again for no real apparent reason. the other day i was thinking of my friend mike. when we were in school he always made me mixes…and he happened to make the best cassette mixes ever. the artwork and everything stellar. well, if you knew mike, it would just make you giggle if he included maxwell’s song ‘cococure’ on a mix to you.

luxury: cococure

took a high from a low
took my icy freeze and thawed the cold
an inspired undisclosed
it’s a privacy that y’all should know
never wonder cause i know
ain’t no other got this flow
lady lover, lady soul
you’re my discovered pot of goldi found a cure for this
cococure for this
it’s got me plushed on some luxurious
cococure

it’s a happy in a sad
it’s a more that’s less
it’s a glad, drive me crazy (ooh baby)
you’re my mommy, you’re my dad
lady lover never go
you’re the part of my heart that is soul

i am now smiling at the memory. i’m blessed to have unique friends who are way more diverse than i…and i am even more blessed to have them with me…and even more blessed when they share. he married a friend of mine and truth be told i was a little disappointed when he did. they are both ultra cool and i wish them love & happiness forever. but mike..well, let me just say this…the older you get the more melancholy you can get about these things…another good guy gone. it’s funny how that stock market deflates.

now i’m hopin’ i didn’t give his this link…if so…um, um…smile!

she’s hot stuff: kerry washington returns

was privvy to a viewing of ‘the last king of scotland’ and kerry washington just further solidified that she’s hot stuff.  talent-wise…off the freakin’ charts.  when’s she gonna get a meaty oscar roll?  c’mon.

i’m further buzzed by two up-coming movies: ‘across the universe’ and ‘talk to me.’

across the universe.

A romantic musical told mainly through numerous Beatles songs performed by the characters. A young man from Liverpool comes to America during the Vietnam War to find his father. He winds up in Greenwich Village, where he falls in love with an American girl who has grown up sheltered in the suburbs. Together they experience the sweeping changes of America in the late 60’s.

talk to me.

In the mid-to-late 1960s, in Washington, D.C., vibrant soul music and exploding social consciousness were combining to unique and powerful effect. It was the place and time for Ralph Waldo “Petey” Greene Jr. to fully express himself – sometimes to outrageous effect — and “tell it like it is.” With the support of his irrepressible and tempestuous girlfriend Vernell, the newly minted ex-con talks his way into an on-air radio gig. He forges a friendship and a partnership with fellow prison inmate Milo’s brother Dewey Hughes. From the first wild morning on the air, Petey relies on the more straight-laced Dewey to run interference at WOL-AM, where Dewey is the program director. At the station, Petey becomes an iconic radio personality, surpassing even the established popularity of his fellow disc jockeys, Nighthawk and Sunny Jim. Combining biting humor with social commentary, Petey openly courts controversy for station owner E.G. Sonderling. Petey was determined to make not just himself but his community heard during an exciting and turbulent period in American history. As Petey’s voice, humor, and spirit surge across the airwaves with the vitality of the era, listeners tune in to hear not only incredible music but also a man speaking directly to them about race and power in America like few people ever have. Through the years, Petey’s “The truth just is” style — on- and off-air — would redefine both Petey and Dewey, and empower each to become the man he would most like to be.