thepoemfromemailcrap

(u would not believe the amount of procrastinating i am currently doing, but if you knew what i had to do, maybe you’d understand)

thepoemfromemailcrap

taken from the mounds of crap emails that attack my inbox…about getting drugs to make me more…um frisky, bigger boobs, a bigger ____, a faster _____, or wiring money to an off shore locale for an uncle i never knew i had to … it goes on and on…so here’s an ode to my email…all this email, when all i’m really waiting on is love or heartbreak…sigh

by me…aka…heartbreak.

now under investigation

the medicine you need

shed and enjoy

tell me more and get it here

the cheapest way to tell me about u, okay

about last night, good gift, grief??

bend some rules and you will know yourselves

electronic millions

amorita, women will love

lip.

1 random 2 random 3 random 4…

1111random

i hate it when people say, “life is short”

(essentially they are right)

just love more

that third eye blind song is my head…the one that goes… “you do / you do…you make me want yoooou”

(i’m not sure why, i’ve not heard it in a bit) 

i hate it when people have malfunctions with office machines and they say, “must be human error”

(that really bothers me and they think it’s funny)

i have a friend who’s sanity i question. 

(when she talks to me, she has no idea i’m questioning her sanity.  it only comes out in a smile)

she is sane

i, for one, am not

—–random 2 Alana Davis · (taken from) A Chance With You

» lyrics

by alana davis

This life we lead
Takes everything you’ve got and lets you bleed
But when you see that you’re not alone
It’ll open wider than you know

I know what you’re feeling when you’re willing to break
And I see all the pressure that you’re willing to take..

threerandomthieves

for all my complaining….life is a good dish. 

4four

love more.

love.

california state of mind

i don’t know what it is but it’s been creeping back. i get this feeling every now and then. i’ll call it my ‘california state of mind,’ and yeah, let me explain that. i was out in california about four years ago. this feeling started because the hotel we stayed in had that kind of reddish clay roofing like those you’d see in like really hot climates and immediately it was exotic to me and i couldn’t imagine the kind of heat it has to withstand. not only that, but right across from the hotel there was a small charming restaurant we’d walk to every morning for breakfast. it was definitely western and very open and extremely easy going and intoxicating. i’d study the people who’d come in and out. they were families, business men and women, singles, couples, older people and younger people. i’d peer thru the window out into a luscious display of hills and mountains and sun. and felt romantically like i belonged there. everything about me felt good. my body, my mind…everything. it was almost like a spiritual experience. it was a dizzying mix of mild exhilaration and a sort of strength. and this followed me everywhere. i became some sort of zombie, just fixated and amazed by essentially everything.

we traveled a bit. my aunt was zooming us thru hills not far from monterey and cannery row (john steinbeck.) and the roads were very narrow and one foot from the edge was a tremendous dip into trees and thru the trees one could see just a perfect landscape of sun and more hills. i would imagine just freedom existed beyond that…a sort of getting lost amidst it all. small towns along the way, and wineries and a night sky that would probably yield every unearthly star there would be to see. oddly though, tucked under the awning of a hotel in monterey, we saw an oprah’s book club minivan. we wondered for a bit, then kept driving.

monterey looks to be a writer’s paradise. there is an alluring shopping area, restaurants, galleries, parks and carousels. the streets are so not flat and i wondered how i managed to hoist and carry my little cousin onto my back for a bit of sight seeing. when she gets older i’ll have to remind her of this.

we went to san francisco, fisherman’s wharf…san jose, which is where some of my family live.

something about this trip allowed me to claim some part of myself i had lost or that had gone untapped.

so that leaves me with today. i want to ‘help’ myself into this sort of vagabond experience again. i want to just kind of make a quiet exit from the present and essentially get lost somewhere to rediscover, you know? kinda forget what i do and who i am. discover some sumptuous alcove of life for a while, and then somehow be renewed.

just in case I won’t be back for a while…place of interest

brazil

songs played during the creation of this entry.

shame-pj harvey
berimba-sergio mendes and brasil ‘65
my doorbell-the white stripes
walkin blues-eric clapton
the lamb’s book of life-sinead o’connor
a self called no where-they might be giants
ordinary people (coolout mix)-aloe blacc
addicted-amy winehouse
lull-andrew bird
pass me over-anthony hamilton
world without fear-antibalas
make the most-brett deneen

offices & spaces

okay, so like i have a friend and we talk the occasional chance we get. well lately i’ve been sneaking to another department to make legitimate office copies. we’re/i’m getting outsourced so, my department is down to one copier machine which causes a problem for me. i so heart corporate america -flashing sarcasm’s neon orange signage-. anyway, this person and i, we’ll see each other in passing and start talking about all sorts of stuff. real cool person. we’ve lived in common places and chat and laugh and stuff. actually, actually, this is a friend of mine from work. like i said, real nice, right? but why is it that when we talk, this person is like all in my face? like now more than effin ever. like to the point where maybe there’s like a solid inch of separation (i’m exaggerating). well, usually i try and not like prat fall backwards but you know, kinda scoot back or to the side to a safety zone. oh and touch. they touch the arm/elbow area frequently. i’m not really a touchy person (until i know you better….hahaha) and i generally don’t mind touchy people. but um, i love to give people space. i don’t like to tower over or be all in the facial area of someone else when it’s so not necessary, you know? and sometimes believe me, it’s necessary. but today, like i was so cornered, like blocked in for the first time. i couldn’t handle it and i was stuck. the thing is this person is (and this is usually rare for me) taller than i, so they are towering, touching…towering and i’m backed up against a copier machine. i was like thinking and sweating like “what the hell”?? i mean, seriously, if it has to be that way, what they gonna do? go for the kiss or what? then i’d handle the matter, remove said sterling rings, shoes, earrings and we could go all world wrestling federation in the workspace. but don’t just stand and tower and touch and back me in. i could have so faked a fall or a cough or a sneeze but i was kinda like…just stuck in the matrix of ‘wtf’?
ay….office ergonomics aka get the freak outta my face!!! shamefully i blog this…but what if it happens tomorrow? any suggestions??
*
disclaimer: exaggeration nation, kinda…but not…you know? just know i post for your amusement and my sanity

bittersweet symphony

i had a bittersweet weekend. i was fortunate enough to see a friend i had not seen in about ten years. she was radiating and looked the same as she did all those years ago, except for her belly. she’s pregnant and it was her baby shower. it was super surreal, but even though we hadn’t seen each other, everything else felt the same. same vibe. same cool. it was perfect. and she seems to be the video game lover i am. unfortunately i was promised a bout of ‘wi’ bowling that we didn’t get to because in all my euphoria my family and i had to head down to the southern part of ohio. there had been a house fire. my family in southern ohio are totally community celebs…that’s just the way it is. their house can be seen from miles away because it sits on top of a hill. i used to run that hill when i was younger and if you hit the right dip in the grass, you could almost swear that you were flying. the fire was, thank God…minimal but my uncle suffered very severe burns and will have to go through a major and massive recovery ordeal. i’ve seen someone get burned and i’ve never been able to forget the visual. even before this incident, sometimes the visual would creep in and haunt me. not only that, but this weekend…i also learned that my grandfather who lives in california has lung cancer. this is also frightening to bear. what is this life? and why can’t it all be good?

as for me, i love to be the fixer, i want to fix everything…but that’s so impossible. so may i fare resilient…a learner and a lover then a fixer, i suppose, well when it comes to what i can fix…which is minimal at best.

but really, life…it’s a balancing act…grasping both the good and the bad. and i suppose the best waitsperson wins.

hmmm…things that make ya

my mother told me that she liked the group ‘the killers.’ how am i supposed to process this?  how?  what next, is she gonna get tickets for her and her friends to see system of a down? somewhere between her liking gospel music and seventies soul…she found a ‘thing’ for the killers. actually i’m posting this to brag…i think it’s kinda rad. 

mr. brightside…by the killers…