what will become of me

i was walking thru the parking lot, having finished another monotonous day of work. i arrived at my car and paused to study my license plate. i stood there looking at my ohio plate and standing in a pleasant spring breeze and the sticker reminded me that i will need to renew it in february 2008. i was in deep contemplation for a second. anxious to get thru traffic and home, to the comfy confines of my stuff, i then got in my car and drove.

*for the sake of sakes…question marks have been outsourced for this entry

the lingering thought though was: where and what will i be in february 2008. what kind of life will i live. will it be the same as it is now. will it be better or worse. will my mom’s health be better. will my good health be made worse. will i still keep trippin off the stuff i’m trippin on now. will my same aches be the same aches that’ll plague me then. what kinda films will i be into. what movies will i have seen. will i still live in ohio (God i hope not. i am so not apart of the conservative midwestern ideologies i thrive in today. i’m not an ohio state buckeye fan who wears scarlet and gray for dress down days on friday work days. and don’t get me wrong, i think that college football is fantastic, i’ve met a couple of the guys who played for the buckeyes.  one even held my hand, my hand in his bigger hand.  nice.  very nice hands he had.  (but we can discuss that later) he was a super nice guy and was in the draft and now plays for a major league football team.  but here in columbus, college…buckeye football…is an obsession…that’s me putting it lightly.  i walk downtown and the area outside of short north spirals out into surburbia boredom and segregation. columbus is the 15th largest city in the united states, but you’d never know in the land where strip malls are more prevalent than sidewalks and stores like wal-mart are more popular than indie record stores and indie restaurants. will i be rich. who will be new to my life. will i in fact be in love. or so out of it. if i can’t stop listening to old throwback but luscious 70s songs, corinne bailey rae and robin thicke now, who will i be obsessed with musically, then. will my style change and what kind of political landscape will there be. that thing i really wanna do with my hair…will i do it. will i live in this same house and keep talking to the same people. will old friends come back or will they stay distant, engaged in their own routines, lives, grinds, hustles. what new people will come into my life and in what way will i be fascinated by them. will i ever go on that cruise. the one we were planning for. i know what i care for, and who and what i’d die for, will that change. what new causes will i believe in, what lessons will i have learned. will i still be furious with the state of the world. will i still have this blog and what will i be trying to convey. what places will i have traveled to. i know the poems i’ve written, so what new ones will i write and who or what will they be about. will i weep more or less. cry harder or softer. love more feverishly deeply or less and more surface. will i be afraid to do the very things i need to do to win. will i win or lose. and exactly in what. what mistakes will i make and will they be good ones or bad ones. what new thing will confuse me. what sleight of hand will i fall for. what books will i have read. what games will i play…literally to survive. will i sell out, or in. and what will -in- be and i wonder, who will you be to me.

langston

Dreams
by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

ramblings of a sporadic mind

or…ramblings of a sporadic mine or ramblings of a roam-antic kind 

i think it’s odd how people act in an almost drug-induced frenzy on friday’s in corporate environments.  especially mine. i love soap.  i love the smell.  i so can’t get over it.  it makes me giddy.  but i was also sickly intrigued by my old neighbor who told me he was going to stop using deodorant because the body is a self-cleaning mechanism.  i like to make my bathroom into a sauna…so much so i can sometimes barely find the door knob…heavy steam.  i’m going to see halle berry and bruce willis in ‘a perfect stranger’ tonight and i think it’s gonna be kinda hot.  i love me some halle.  i’m surprised about how easily i can wave a banner for someone.  it makes me worry…and this is so far not about halle.  usually when i don’t realize it, i’ve relayed something i haven’t realized.  right now…feist is the dopest singer girl i’ve heard in a long time.  people are so interesting.  why don’t we talk more?  most days i hate to exercise but after i do it, i feel so good.  when i was ten years old, i’d never have guessed i would be where i am, right now.  i am african-american and a christian and it makes me sad that people hold stereotypes and preconceived ideas about me…without knowing me and there’s little i can do about that and there’s a lot those people should know. that said, i don’t understand how so-called religious people can be so cruel.  so intolerant.  seems like they’d be miserable.  i wish people lived more freely and that poverty and war in the world would disappear.  it’s important to me to feel insignificant.  i don’t want everyone else to get me, just the right ones…to get me.   i can’t figure you out and i love that.  i don’t understand why sanjaya is still on ‘american idol’ but if i were a thirteen year old girl with a razor cell phone, i’d vote for him.  to blame rap music for imus…makes me intensely angry.  are people…crazy?  randi rhodes is a crazy-smart-genius chick. if i could have dinner with anyone tonight (no offense to those i will be dining with)…i’d pick someone i’ve never known.  you know, because of the stories we carry…for everyone has a story.

()()currently listening to ‘fearless’ by the bravery…and i know that’s why you love me…chico.

naked-ity in dreams…the saga…

well, last night,  after a few pieces of bellaria pizza…i did dream.  unfortunately it had not anything to do with…naked-ity.  i was in some huge massive all white tiled gymnasium and there was going to be some really big concert.  the place was packed with people.  but before the concert started, a speaker from the center of this auditorium asked if anyone would give their thoughts.  so my sister, who is seated behind me on these wooden bleachers decides to make a speech.  above us is a large screen that occasionally shows the crowd.  i even spot myself on the screen looking mildly contemplative.  my sister begins to give this oratory about racism in the workplace. what is strange is that her voice is amplified, but she doesn’t even have a microphone. odd?  gee…i know. well, not really, considering…and that’s another story. but man, i was really pushing for nudity again.  (did i say that out loud?). so anyways…my dream guide says…

To dream that you are in a gymnasium, indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate what you already know into your daily life.

and

To hear a speech in your dream, suggests that your inner feelings are being made conscious to those around you. Consider what is said in the speech. If you hear a politician give a speech, then it represents egotism and deceit.

naked-ity in dreams…the saga continues

so i had another naked dream last night.  this time there were a total of four naked people.  three dark haired men and one dark haired woman.  they were apart of a film i was seeing with an overly yet uncharacteristically affectionate ex-love of mine i haven’t seen and or spoken to in years.  we were in an old burgundy velvety cinema.  those crafted before the ages of cineplexes and cheesy nachos.  the film was about some torrid affair between these people. 

the culprit?

the culprit could be a turkey pesto wrap from whole foods.  i had one the night before the first naked dream and i had another one last night.  my intro to this intoxicating ‘pesto’ was the first i had in silver spring, md.   so tonight…no turkey no pesto…

let’s see what happens.

naked-ity in dreams

last night i dreamed about a random naked man by a pool on top of a building.  he looked like a thinner john belushi or a smaller artie lange.  after i arrived at work this morning i ran a quick search on my favorite dream encyclopedia website. 

here’s what it said: 

To see a naked person in your dream and you are disgusted by it, signifies some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation. It may also foretell of an illicit love affair, loss of prestige and scandalous activities. On the other hand, if you do not have any problem with another’s nudity, then it implies that you see through people and accept them for who and what they are. 

and yeah, i mean, i was comfortable with this man’s nudity, but i just don’t know who he is. 

i’m sorta disappointed.  i was kinda hoping the dream meant, i’d actually see a naked man soon.  something more like…matthew mcconaghey or um…colin farrell or um…terrence howard.  somehow calling my name from a jacuzzi or something.

<wicked lafter>

oh well.  let’s hope on tonight!!

where’s the love…aka…love dissatisfaction…

i’m tired of hearing break-up songs.  what’s going on?  i cannot truly escape.  they are everywhere.

 

tank singing ‘bout…please don’t go

john legend singing ‘will you come back to me?  heaven only knows’

 

matter of fact, i have a good friend…(and i saw it coming)…she’s getting over her love-hangover. i’ve spent almost a week trying to be a bit of a band aid for her.  and i clearly don’t mind…for she is truly special.

 

even one of my favorite actresses, my dear, kerry washington (films: i think i love my wife, last king of scotland) just ended an engagement with her boyfriend, actor david moscow…the two had been engaged for 3 years.  what gives?  dave…i think you messed up, my bru.

 

more tunes…

 

p. diddy & keyshia cole…baby won’t you come and take this pain away.  (and i do love this song.)

chris brown…say goodbye…there’s never a right time to say goodbye.  but we know we gotta go our separate ways.

omarion…i got an ice box where my heart used to be

*other notables… 

toni braxton…breathe again

pearl jam…black

phil collins…against the odds

bill withers…ain’t no sunshine

tom vek…the lower the sun

deathcab for cutie…summer skin

american high fi…the break up song

 

it truly hurts me to see these super cute actors, singers, rockers in reality and on their super glossy videos all heartbroken, sullen and emotional…

c’mon now…let’s get back to some ashford and simpson.

http://www.goear.com/listen.php?v=d25684d

Solid, solid as a rock
That’s what this love is
That’s what we’ve got

Solid
Solid as a rock
And nothing’s changed it
The thrill is still
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

You didn’t turn away
When the sky went gray
Somehow we managed
We had to stay together

You didn’t bat an eye
When I made you cry
We knew down the line
We could make it better

And for love’s sake
Each mistake you forgave
And soon both of us
Learn to trust

Not run away
It was no time to play
We build it up
Build it up
Build it up

And now it’s solid
Solid as a rock
That’s what this love is
That’s what we’ve got

Solid, solid as a rock
And nothing’s changed it
The thrill is still
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

Gone with the wind
Another friend got in between
And tried to separate us
Knock knock on wood
You understood
Love was so new
We did what we had to

And with that feeling
We were willing to take a chance
So against all odds
We made a start
We got serious
This wouldn’t turn to dust
We build it up
Build it up
Build it up

And now it’s solid
Solid as a rock
That’s what this love is
That’s what we’ve got

Solid, solid as a rock
And nothing’s changed it
The thrill is still
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot
Solid

modest mouse

i met these guys before they became ultra-famous indie stars. 

earlier today i watched an mtv2 special on them.  funny, not long ago we shared a table together and some introductions.  two college friends and i (hi john t) got them to play a gig not far from our college campus in bowling green, ohio.  i regularly played them on my indie radio shows…cheers.

float on…this song ties into sumthin else. last weekend i had the privilege of hearing a very moving testimony by a woman.  she’s actually a pastor.  her sermon was about how after her divorce she became so despondent and lost that she while still a christian decided she was going to take her life.  shortly after she ingested some pills, a friend busted down her door. but the woman that she was…well it took a lot of time to build herself into the person she is today. this native of tobago has influenced countless individuals with her story.  and she’s one heck of a speaker.  she’s infectious, funny, intelligent…bright.  she bragged about her ‘j.lo sunglasses, riding along listening to maxwell and driving a hot new lexus convertible’ and a guy stopped her and gave her some ‘holla’ if you will.  but she assured us she ‘made’ the gifts she had, they didn’t and don’t make her. so what am i trying to say?  whatever you or i maybe going thru…endure it.  don’t give in. don’t end yourself. keep going despite the pain. if she would have ended her life…she would have lost out on saving souls and changing lives. we never really know what we’ll become.modest mouse….float on…& lyrics.

I backed my car into a cop car the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life’s OK.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all OK.

And we’ll all float on OK. And we’ll all float on OK.
And we’ll all float on OK. And we’ll all float on anyway.

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand.
Bad news comes, don’t you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day.
Well we’ll float on, good news is on the way.

And we’ll all float on OK. And we’ll all float on OK.
And we’ll all float on OK. And we’ll all float on.
Alright already, we’ll all float on.
No don’t you worry. We’ll all float on.
Alright, already. We’ll all float on.
Alright, don’t worry. We’ll all float on.

And we’ll all float on.
Alright already, we’ll all float on.
Alright, don’t worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We’ll all float on.

Alright already, we’ll all float on.
Alright already, we’ll all float on OK.
Don’t worry, we’ll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we’ll all float on.
Alright already, we’ll all float on alright.
Don’t you worry, we’ll all float on.
We’ll all float on.